Kourtney & Kim Take New York Recap: The Painfully Boring Birthday Event of the Year

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We learned a few days ago that the Kardashian family grossed $65 million in 2010, and guess what? We're alllllllllllll to blame. You, me, the little girl clutching her copy of Kardashian Konfidential. They're an intriguing family, that bunch.

What started out as another reality show in 2007 has snowballed into an enormous empire made up of slutty clothes and sexually-charged commercials.

Somewhere in a holding cell, Paris Hilton is seething.

Sunday on Kourtney & Kim Take New York, Kim ushered in year 30 with a heavy heart. The-one-with-the-derriere says she imagined herself married with kids by this milestone. Instead she's a bona fide sex symbol/entrepeneur rolling in cash.

This is not a deviation I would spend my birthday moments crying over.

I'd be too busy simultaneously patting myself on the back while throwing dollar bills from my hotel room screaming, "I don't have to battle the baby weight and I haven't married the wrong man! AND I just bought myself another Birkin!"  

Birthdays are difficult for a lot of us. Yet Kim's birthday is treated as a national holiday in the land of Kardashian (population: pretty much everyone). Kim walks into her suite at the Smythe to find the dining room table covered in gifts and flowers.

The viewers were hoping for a little more gratitude, but were prepared for a puss. Kim searched the table for flowers from a cute guy, but all she found was expensive crap from every sort of platonic relation possible. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Kim and Kourtney called up momager Kris to iron out plans for Kim's birthday party at Tao Vegas. Wa. Hoo. You know once Kris gets on the phone, it's going to be loud and dramatic (I really miss her). The talk turns to a New York head count for Vegas, and Kim mentions that Scott is on the list. Hit the brakes.

Kris recalls Kim's last birthday in Vegas in which Scott overserved himself and stuffed cash down a waiter's throat. Instead of rationally talking her daughters into keeping Scott home, Kris throws a fit.

"That was really stressful for me last year," she tells Kourtney and Kim. "Well, if Scott's coming, maybe I don't need to come."

Awesome. The less the merrier, considering Kim's attitude.

Kourtney, Kim and Scott board a plane to Vegas, and it's only when they touch down in Sin City that Scott has a small panic attack. He decides in Vegas that he can't handle Vegas, and turns around to head back to New York.

Deciding at the origin of your trip would have been far more economical. You're lucky you're rich, friend. Money can't buy you class, as the Countess once sang, but it can buy you a first class ticket home.  

Scott should have taken KimberlySnoraBora with him, because even in Vegas (and a reported $100K offer to appear at her own birthday party) Kim is a snoozy woozy. Vegas is wasted on people like Kim, but to the tune of six figures she could have at least put on a smile.   

Kris must have had a change of heart, becase decided to show up in Vegas-with or without Scott there.  

The only great thing about this episode is Khloe and Kourtney's reunion. And we only got one minute of that. "Favorites Favorites. We all have them," Khloe sings sadistically to Kim. Happy Birthday, Kim. No one likes you because you're boring and "lame." Love, Khloe.

We see a huge poster in the Palazzo, "The Birthday Event Of The Year Returns. 10.15.10." Even with an over-the-top welcome, Kim is still pouting.

How nice that Perez Hilton was able to make Kim's party. Kris is giving him a lap dance to ensure good publicity for her girls. The things we do for family.

I believe I saw young sister Kendall behind Kourtney walking from the Tao party. She is about 8 years shy of the legal drinking age. Good one, Vegas.  

If producers weren't there to bug Kourtney about a keg party, she and the rest of Kim's posse would be tucked in bed. Kourtney has had a boring streak as of late, mind you. Instead, we had to watch Kris Jenner get sloppy during a keg stand. And did they really have to hold her legs up in the air like that?  She's wearing a dress!

Back in New York, Scott throws Kim a dinner party to and uses it as a therapy session to talk about how much he's changed since last year. He also wanted it known that he chose water instead of alcohol to toast Kimmy. Good. Grand. Excellent.

Verdict: Kim is spoiled and can't be bothered to hide it anymore.

We need more Khloe.

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Kim Kardashian Biography

Kim Kardashian Is Modeling
Kim Kardashian is the ex-girlfriend of Nick Cannon, Reggie Bush and Ray J. She had intercourse on camera with the former, which is what... More »
Los Angeles, California
Full Name
Kimberly Noel Kardashian

Kim Kardashian Quotes

So far, designing is the most exciting thing I’ve done... I have a vision of what I want [the clothes] to look like in my mind and it’s fun to see it come alive on paper.

Kim Kardashian

He just seemed very firm about the change, and that’s, like, his motto.

Kim Kardashian [on Barack Obama]