Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: The Aftermath

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Hey, New Jersey residents, have you thanked Danielle Staub yet for putting your state on the map?

Hurry up and do so - and then read our Real Housewives correspondents' latest take on the antics of Danielle and company, courtesy of last night's episode...

Let me start out by saying that watching this show in HD is a scary experience.  My cable company finally upgraded Bravo to HD and while I was initially excited about this change, now I don’t know if this is a good thing, especially when Danielle is on the screen. 

You can see every smear of her pancake makeup, the shine reflecting off her artificially protruding cheekbones, and all the divots and pockmarks in her extremely freckled chest.  If I squint, I can almost see the puncture marks from the Botox injections she has had.  It’s the stuff of nightmares.

The Housewives Girl

At the beginning of the episode, Shirtless Joe takes the girls to a karate center.  (Side note:  Is it just me or does that middle daughter, Gabriella, look NOTHING like the other ones or her parents?  As the “Sesame Street” song says, one of these things is not like the others.  Just saying.) 

The girls are padded up for protection and then Shirtless Joe puts them in a circle and tries to get them to fight.  It’s sort of gross watching Shirtless watch his girls pound each other, knowing what guys think about girls fighting other girls.  “If you beat each other up I’m going to buy you a nice hot dog,” he tells them.  Let me remind everyone that one of these children is three years old. 

The girls proceed to fight using no karate principles or skills whatsoever.  “Don’t mess with my girls.  They’re tough cookies,” Teresa says. But aren’t they divas, too?  Can one be both a diva and a karate master?  This is a question for the ages.

Elsewhere, Danielle takes her tortured daughters to a self-defense lesson and, thrillingly, Discount Danny is there!  Let’s be honest:  He probably has no home so he just goes from one Danielle-focused activity to the next so he can be inside where it’s warm. 

Danny seems to think that he is going to be teaching the ladies how to effectively beat down a ho, particularly the kind of ho who will pull your weave out of your skull.  By “teaching” I mean that Danny stands in the corner in his Wal-Mart jeans watching the women with a creepy smile while professionals do the teaching.

Danielle in Training

To give Danielle something to visualize as she punches, it is decided that the instructor’s fists will be named “Teresa” and “Jacqueline."  Danielle punches with vigor and glee while her daughters look on.

Don’t you wonder what that older daughter is thinking?  The little one is probably still in the “I love my mommy” phase but the older one, Christine, has to realize her mom is bat-shit.  “God, you’re into this,” says Christine as she sees the hellfire in her mom’s eyes.  “It only takes one good smack to the head to make a person never walk again,” Danielle explains to us.  “I need to watch my back.”

Advice for Christine:  Choose an out-of-state college or, even better, an out-of-country college.  You can escape from your mom!

Fortunately for us, the boxing field trip is not the end of Discount Danny’s presence in the episode. We are treated to one more look at him when he meets Danielle at a coffee shop to talk about Ashley and The Night of the Pulled Weave.  Also in attendance is Danny’s nameless/voiceless sidekick.  Who exactly is that guy?  He’s shown up with Danny in a few episodes now and all he ever does is raise his eyebrows and nod his head.  He appears to know even less English than Shirtless Joe. 

Why on earth do these grown men care so much about Danielle and her endless fights?

Tonight there was more boring stuff about Albie and his law school.  Blah, blah, blah.  Last week, I said I never wanted to write about him again, but I am forcing myself and it’s going to be brief: 

He’s going to try to get in somewhere else.  I really and truly hope he doesn’t get in anywhere and has to slink back to the Brownstone and work for daddy, endlessly moving tables around ballrooms and whatnot.  Also, I swear Caroline flirts with her son.  She says she wants to move in with Albie if he goes out of state for law school.  She looks at him like she thinks he’s hot and it’s really weird.  Does anyone else notice this?

Across a vast wet parking lot full of dirty SUVs lays the oasis that is Posche.  Teresa sashays through the door to apologize to Kim D. for the fashion show ruckus of yestershow.  Kim D. is cool with it.  No biggie, girlfriend!  Then Kim G. shows up wearing a blue fur vest and a purple beret with a bow. Having the two Kims so close is very unsettling. 

All of the women suddenly are drinking and, of course, talking about Danielle.  Teresa says, “You think I wanted to lower myself to her standards?  I was just gonna get in her face and say, ‘Bitch, you gots something to say to me?’”  Right, because getting in someone’s face and calling her a bitch isn’t lowering your standards at all. 

I swear, all women do in this store is stand around, talk trash, hold their little dogs, and drink mimosas out of puffy-painted goblets.  No clothes buying ever seems to happen.

Danielle goes to meet her two attorneys and a group of broken-down Jersey ladies wearing bedraggled fur coats, otherwise known as “Danielle’s friends."  She is intent on prosecuting that Ashley to the full extent of the law!  “Literally it went from bitch, to lunging, to vulgarity.  I felt in fear of my life,” she explains for the 10 millionth time. 

The other women admit that they heard “name-calling” but that’s about it.  “Ashley will have proper sanctions brought against her,” Danielle says haughtily. She just loves to see someone else getting in trouble besides herself.  She also reminds us, “I just want to be left alone.”  THEN WHY DO YOU FOLLOW THESE WOMEN ALL AROUND TOWN?! 

It’s so bizarre.  I don’t even remotely understand what sense her life makes to her inside her own head.  I am sure that is a dark and frightening place.

Later, Jacqueline and Caroline attempt to talk about the seriousness of this situation with Ashley.

“Ashley didn’t listen when I told her the right thing to do and so these are the consequences she has to face,” says Jacqueline.  Ashley, not surprisingly, is sullen and non-communicative like a blob of Silly Putty in a leather bar chair.  “I mean, it is what it is,” she mumbles about possibly being dragged to court.  “Like I just don’t understand, like, her problem with me,” she adds intelligently before dissolving into a fit of giggles. 

Jacqueline, it’s time to give up on this one.  Drive to a nice stretch of forest somewhere in Pennsylvania, open the Range Rover doors, toss a $100 bill out, and speed off as soon as Ashley runs after it.  She’ll be happier in the woods.

At the end of the episode, that piece of crap Kim G. comes to visit Jacqueline.  Let us remember that Kim G. was one of the women supporting Danielle during her earlier court date against Ashley. Jacqueline is well aware of this and says:

“You gathered up two of your girlfriends arm-in-arm like a busted-up ‘Sex in the City’ going to the courthouse in support of Danielle.”  Kim G. refuses to apologize and defends her two-face-edness by saying, “What am I going to do?  This girl has no one. I am in the middle.  This is very, very difficult.”  Then she adds, “Whatever way she can get you back, she’s gonna do it.”

So, that does it for this week.  Next week will bring us more courtroom Ashley-versus-Danielle nonsense.  Am I alone in wondering when the hell this season is going to end?  Please, make it stop soon.  I can’t take much more, especially in crystal-clear HD.