It was totally on last night between Danielle Staub and Teresa Giudice.
Complete country club chaos broke out on the Bravo hit, highlighted by these self-centered stars going at it. Let's see what our Real Housewives correspondent had to say about the exciting episode...
Seriously? How much more screwed up can this show and these women get? To top tonight’s country club mayhem the Housewives will have to get rocket launchers and reduce each other’s homes into rubble. I don’t think any of us would be surprised if that happened.
The episode begins where we left off last week: Teresa and Danielle engaging in momentary fake-nice small talk before everything turns into a major kerfuffle. There is immediately a lot of shrieking and screaming, women forcing each other down into chairs, women rushing down darkened hallways, bodyguards pushing woman off to the side, dishes smashing, weaves swinging, heels breaking.
Thank goodness there are subtitles because nothing is comprehensible except for the random shouting of “bitch!” The rest of it sounds like, “Aaaaaahhhhheeeerrrrraaaaanooooo!” The jerkiness of the camerawork as it chases the Housewives is reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project and is, in many ways, equally as scary.
At one point early in the brawl, Teresa says to Danielle, “So what, bitch? I live in a $5 million home now.” “And it’s in foreclosure!” screams Danielle. This statement pisses Teresa off more than anything else. “Danielle said my house is going into foreclosure. It’s none of her business what’s going on in my life. I was trying to be nice and Danielle started it,” she tells us.
Pause for a moment: I do hate Danielle and was secretly glad to see her getting hunted down like a gazelle on the Serengeti but Teresa really did start everything, at least on that night at the country club. Had she not insisted on approaching Danielle and “saying hi” nothing would have happened. Or maybe the producers asked Teresa to approach Danielle? I know huge fights like this can’t hurt the number of viewers the show attracts. Thoughts?
As things escalate and women are running amok on broken heels, Danielle enlists the help of Kim G, of her bodyguard (no, not Discount Danny but don’t fret—he shows up later in the episode), and Kim G’s driver. “Get me out of here! I’m gonna pass out! GET ME OUTTA HERE!” screams Danielle as she hides in a corner outside.
Evidently she can’t move because her heels are broken. “I can’t walk!” She is a sobbing and crying mess. It’s not pretty but, man, is it ever funny.
Then occurs the moment that will be re-lived by Danielle non-stop for years to come: Jacqueline’s wayward daughter Ashley comes up and yanks on Danielle’s weave. Supposedly she did this because she thought Danielle had punched her mom but, secretly, I think she did it just because she wanted to. If I saw Danielle in real life I’d probably want to do the same thing.
The next thing we know, the bodyguard is carrying Danielle to Kim G’s Bentley. In the car Kim G is screaming in Danielle’s ear. “Listen to me! Stop! Calm down, please!!” Sorry, Kim G, Danielle probably won’t calm down for a few more years.
Though we are all worn out just watching this crap, Teresa is still rearing to go. “I wanna talk to the bitch,” Teresa explains to Jacqueline as she approaches the Bentley where Danielle is hiding and having hysterics. Jacqueline is perplexed. “Why?! What is the point?! Let her live her miserable life. She’s miserable. Let her live it. Who gives a shit? Who cares?” Silly Jacqui! You’re talking to Teresa like she understands you and has a grasp on reality!
Ha, ha. So funny.
Meanwhile Danielle is still screaming and crying in the Bentley. “I really feel very violated by Ashley. And I’m gonna feel violated by Jacqueline,” she says. Then Danielle demands that the cops be called and charges be pressed while Teresa dances around the parking lot and Jacqueline stands there petting her baby seal coat, just waiting for some more crazy shit to go down.
“Look at all this hair she pulled out of my head! That’s not even my extension! That’s my hair!” I love it that Danielle isn’t even embarrassed to admit she has a weave. Not in this time of great personal misery and stress!“I was chased by a lunatic Teresa Giudice who’s attacked me before and she went after me again, through about 200 people,” Danielle tells the police officer on the phone. At this point, four cop cars pull up. Danielle freaks out and screams when Jacqueline comes near the Bentley to talk to the cops. “I wanna go home!” Danielle screams and sobs. Those poor cops. I’m sure they’d rather be busting a meth lab than dealing with this nonsense.
“Are you hurt right now?” one of the cops asks Danielle, clearly seeing no blood or broken bones. “I am emotionally really a mess right now,” she answers and goes on, “Ashley pulled my hair out of my head. And clumps of it! This is my real hair, at the end of it! Look at all this hair she pulled out of my head! That’s assault! And I want her arrested!” Time to get out your taser, Mr. Police Officer, and to point it directly at Danielle. And to fire it.
Back inside the country club, Ashley explains to a different cop, “I pulled her extensions so that’s really not a part of her.” Hmm..interesting point, perhaps somewhat valid. You can tell Ashley has no remorse whatsoever. I find this a bit odd. What teenage girl wouldn’t be even a little nervous surrounded by cops and being threatened with assault charges? That Ashley is a rare breed - thank God.
A different cop needs a statement from Teresa while Danielle sobs endlessly on Kim G’s shoulder in the Bentley. Danielle is pissed that no one is dragged off to the chokey in handcuffs. She says:
“I have no idea why they did not arrest anyone but what happened to me deserved for people to be arrested. I didn’t go there to be terrorized and chased through a country club and then have my hair ripped out of my head and to be injured and break my shoes. So, yeah, so I think people should have been arrested for that.”
The next day Jacqueline and Teresa come over to Caroline’s to talk it out but, much more importantly, Danielle is sharing the dirt with Discount Danny, Ex-Bodyguard Extraordinaire! How we’ve missed him and his Wal-Mart jeans! “When Jacqueline was going off on me it was like a mental institution without medication,” Danielle tells Danny.
“I woulda been back in jail,” Danny tells Danielle loyally. He would have killed a bitch to save Danielle! Just one of the many, many things that makes Danny such a terrific human being. Then Danielle shows us a hairball and says, “That’s my real hair that you ripped out of my head and there’s a small bald spot in the back of my head.” Personally, I think she got that hair out of her shower drain and, if she has a bald spot, it’s from her bad breast implants leaking toxins into her body.
Elsewhere, Albie meets with a lawyer about being unfairly dismissed from law school. He is so sure that he can get into law school somewhere else and go on to an illustrious law career. I’m sorry but where else is he going to get into school with the horrible GPA he has? That kid is an ass.
I really don’t like him and I don’t want to write anything else about him ever again. I honestly think I hate him more than I hate Danielle. Call me crazy but there’s pretty much nothing worse than spoiled pretty boys who run to their mommies and daddies whenever they have an issue in their lives. He makes me want to vom.
Later, Danielle’s “energist” calls her to talk about the same crap we’ve hashed over this entire episode. Danielle is worried about the deadly bodily harm the other women are set on inflicting upon her. The energist offers to call Jacqueline for some unknown reason.
When the energist calls, Jacqueline says, “I don’t know what exactly it is that you are doing for her because it’s not working. She’s still the same evil person she’s always been.” Surprisingly (and probably forced by the producers) Jacqueline agrees to do an on-the-spot energy treatment with this woman in her Range Rover.
However, she plays games on her iPhone the entire time the energist is supposedly working with her. It’s actually pretty funny because the energist really thinks she is making some good progress with Jacqueline and Jacqueline couldn’t be more checked-out. “Can you work on her a little harder?” Jacqueline asks the energist about Danielle.
Back at their ginormous alms house, Teresa and Shirtless Joe share a bottle of wine in their game room. Teresa tells Joe about the crap that went down at the country club complete with dramatic reenactments. To no one’s surprise, Shirtless Joe doesn’t have much to say. He’s probably just trying to imagine Teresa naked.
Danielle comes to meet Kim G at a restaurant. Over a plate of cheese fries, she states her intention to file charges against Ashley. “I want the law to protect me. Cause it did hurt. My neck hurt me. My eyes were twitching. I still have trouble a little bit looking up.” Oh, the poor dear! Trouble looking up?! How do you find the courage to go on?!
At the end of the episode, Jacqueline, husband Chris, and Ashley have a talk about the Danielle drama. Ashley doesn’t understand how she can’t run around doing whatever she wants whenever she wants. Jacqueline’s poor little baby boy sits helplessly in the middle of the fighting just trying to enjoy his bottle of formula. “You’re, like, two-faced,” Ashley says to her mom. Chris tells Ashley she is never to go anywhere near Danielle again. I think the likelihood of her following this rule is pretty much nil.
Just don't give that girl a rocket launcher.