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There was no hair-pulling or police called to the scene this week on The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

So, what did go down? That’s a question for our Real Housewives correspondent. She dishes on last night’s episode below…

Tonight’s episode began with a sweet and wholesome family night at the Giudices’ Macaroni Mansion.  The girls are playing Monopoly with Teresa and Shirtless Joe.  The irony of any member of the Giudice family playing a game that involves managing money does not go unnoticed.  Evidently the Lord and Lady of the manor will soon celebrate their 10th anniversary. 

We realize it’s taken this unfortunate pair just ten short years to blow through millions and millions of dollars… dollars they didn’t have in the first place.

Milania Giudice is Observant

Across town at Danielle’s crumbling lair she is hatching a plan…it is a plan to gain total world dominance using her radioactive breast implants.  No, actually it’s a plan to celebrate her daughter Christine’s Sweet 16 without actually using any of her own money.  “Amazingly I’ve never had a birthday party thrown for me until I turned 47 years old,” she tells us.  Perhaps this is because no one likes you and you have no friends?

Christine wants to donate any money she “earns” at the party to charity.  Danielle is smugly proud of this fact as if she herself is donating money to charity.  “My children are living by my example,” she proudly states.  What example is that, exactly?  Usually you create mayhem at charity events.  Is this what you hope your daughters learn from you?  Yowsers.

Cute freckled little sis Jillian, already a singer-songwriter at age eleven, is planning her debut performance at the soiree.  Mommy Dearest is intent that Jillian sing in front of hundreds of guests (most are being paid to show up, I assume) despite the fact that the child breaks down in a rehearsal and says she doesn’t want to do it.

Later, Jacqueline and her husband, Silent Bob, go to visit the Giudice pile o’ bricks.  Much discussion about Teresa’s possible anniversary gift ensues.  No one mentions a gift for Shirtless Joe.  “I want him to surprise me.  I want him to really, like, make it big,” Teresa says.  Shirtless Joe slurs, “She wants this friggin’ diamond…(unintelligible muttering)… I don’t know.  We’ll see.” 

Teresa doesn’t need “a crown jewel”, though, because she’s “not an Arabic.”  Unfortunately, buying a nice chunk of cubic zirconium might be more feasible because Shirtless admits that money “is just trickling” in right now.  How sad for them.

Inspiringly, Crown Prince Albie has decided to join the Police Academy “while my law school career is on hold.”  He goes on to explain, “You learn how to, you know, arrest someone and what happens after they’re arrested.”  We are so lucky to have this Albie around answering all of life’s tough questions. 

I always wondered what police trainees were taught in police school.  He thinks this will really help him when he becomes a lawyer because, “I’ll know what a cop’s thinking.”

As usual, Caroline is just barely keeping herself from giggling girlishly and swooning at her son’s feet. She’s all hot and bothered about the prospect of her son dressed up like a real Man of the Law, complete with a night stick with which to knock her around a bit.  “He’s cute as it is.  Can you imagine him in a uniform?  Good God!”  She’s blushing and sweating and it’s so profoundly odd I don’t even really know what else to say.

Back at their Spumoni Palace, Teresa and Shirtless Joe are preparing for their big night out.  Teresa can’t wait to get her hands on her big chunk of man meat.  “Gimme a kiss!” she shrieks.  “You got too much lipstick on,” Shirtless demurs.  They drink champagne whilst taking a helicopter tour of Manhattan. 

Later they head to a hotel where Shirtless recites a special poem he has written just for this occasion:  “Roses are red, violets are blue, roses are beautiful and so are you.”  Teresa is blown away but not so much the serving man off to the side.  He is making the same extremely judgmental and amused face that we the audience are making. 

Teresa’s much dreamed-about gift turns out to be a chocolate-frosting covered yellow diamond ring…that goes right into the hands of the auctioneers!  “Love is in the eyes of the beholder,” Teresa wisely reminds us before they mount each other in bed.

Christine’s Sweet 16 blowout is fast approaching and therefore the threesome go dress shopping.  An interesting exchange happens during this trip between lil’ Jillian and the woman who owns the store:
– Store woman:  “God!  You have to do boots!”
– Jillian:  “Mom, I’m eleven.  I don’t wear heels.”
– Store woman:  “Here’s a flash:  Suri Cruise.  That little girl.  What is she, three years old?  She wears heels.”
– Jillian:  “I know but I’m not her.  I’m me.”

Ah, sweet naiveté.  How long will Jillian speak with such reason?  We all know this logical language will soon disappear and be replaced by phrases such as, “I’m ‘bouts to beat a bitch’s ass!”  Mommy will make sure of it.

Elsewhere, Jacqueline is driving Ashley to pick up her court summons.  Ashley’s done a lot of thinking about the whole weave-pulling incident.  By “a lot” I mean ten seconds in between choosing a floppy hat to wear and finding a matching pair of boots.  “On one side I do regret pulling Danielle’s hair but on the other side, you know, it felt really good to finally get all that anger, like, off my chest,” Ashley explains.  Where exactly is her rage coming from?  I really think this girl has issues more serious than even her parents are aware of.  Therapy time!

Clearly the Sweet 16 has begun because there is a red carpet and photographers on the “step and repeat”.  Who exactly is interested in taking photos of New Jersey teens?  For what purpose are these photos being taken?  Danielle prances about pushing out her boobs for pictures and screaming, “Heeeeyyyyy!” and “Heeeeeelllllooooo!” to startled guests. 

We come to learn that everything at this party has been donated.  Why, you ask?  Because Christine’s Sweet 16th is such a worthy cause. Duh!

Danielle’s creepy ex-husband shows up and Danielle hugs him several times, her Skeletor-like arms clinging to him for dear life.  He raises his eyebrows at his current wife and spends the rest of the night keeping at least a five-foot distance from Danielle as well as looking deeply irritated at everything she says.  Not that I can blame him! 

Meanwhile, Poor nervous Jillian waits in the wings with a stomachache.  Her debut is near!  I have to say, I had a lot of sympathy for Jillian when she finally took the stage.  Oh, to be eleven, living in New Jersey, on a reality show, the daughter of the town kook, and forced to sing your little homemade song at a charity Sweet 16 party. 

That’s a lot of hoo-ha for one young person to shoulder.  Then her sweet and tenuous voice comes out and she shakes her little hips with the beat.  Aww…it’s awfully cute.  We smile – yay, a genuinely sweet moment on a normally horrifyingly trashy reality show!  Finally! 

Then Danielle ruins it all by flapping her trap and proclaiming, “I am the best mom in the world.”  Replace the word “mom” with the word “narcissist” and I think you’d be right, Danielle!