Incensed by recent rumors about his parenting ability, Coley Laffoon would like to take this opportunity to beat off. Outrageous allegations from Anne Heche.
Heche's soon-to-be-ex husband is out to set the record straight in their ongoing custody battle. First order of business? Establishing that he's no chicken-choking addict.
Second point: Anne Heche is just plain nuts!
One of the weirdest celebrity custody battles got even crazier today, when Coley Laffoon filed a response to Anne's allegations - that he is addicted to poker, strippers and masturbating to Internet porn.
In the documents, Coley Laffoon admits that he has occasionally checked out a few XXX sites, but only "when we were together."
Neither elaborated as to whether Coley prefers more tasteful Playboy-style spreads, such as the new one featuring a nude Amanda Beard, or kinkier stuff.
Anyway. Coley Laffoon says in response to his ex's remarks that it's Anne Heche who is certifiably insane - as publicized in her own autobiography titled... "Call Me Crazy."
Sorry to break this news, Britney Spears. We know you wanted to call your long-awaited autobiographical tell-all by that very same name.
Coley Laffoon claims that in the book, Heche "describes how she went to Fresno by herself after taking one pill of ecstasy, because she received a message from God that a spaceship was going to be meeting her there and taking her away."
Okay, we'd like to apologize to Britney Spears. Not even she can be considered in the same league as Heche. We pity you, James Tupper, even if you're just in it for ratings.
The jabs continue throughout the documents, with highlights including accusations of drunken arguments, manipulation, lies and strip club visits. No elaboration on whether Laffoon ever visited any of the clubs Joslyn Noel Morse performed at.