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We can’t say we support any supposedly juicy memoir from random celebrities. What could Tori Spelling possibly have to say that we’d pay to read about?

At least John Leguizamo is aware of how uninteresting his actual career has been. Therefore, the actor has included some fun, sordid tidbits in his upcoming book, Pimps, Hos, Players, Haters and All the Rest of My Hollywood Friends.

The attention-seeking C-lister talks badly about co-stars such as Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kevin Costner, and Steven Seagal, says he had a slap fight with Patrick Swayze while in drag, and that he may have been a party to a Leonardo DiCaprio sex tape.

A couple of the anecdotes published online include:

On his escapades with DiCaprio while filming Romeo & Juliet in Mexico: “We would have parties, just the guys playing poker and talking shit, while strippers danced on a table. And there were some adventures with the hookers that were videotaped, two on one, voyeurism, all that. Thank God for certain people’s careers those tapes have been erased.” […]

Lusting after Ellen Barkin while making The Fan: “That bent nose, that twisted face. She looks like whoever was sculpting her had a seizure toward the end. All you think about is doggy style when you’re with her. She tried to steal my lines but I didn’t care because she’s so hot.”

Well … alrighty then. We won’t dare ask Leguizamo his take on Anna Nicole Smith in that case.