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If babies (or Jessica Simpson) were smart enough to put together complete sentences, oh, the sweet, innocent and inane things they would say.

Alas, all we can do is speculate. Below, T.H. Gossip has done just that, taking a trip inside the mind of that little Asian cutie, Suri Cruise.

Suri Cruise Selfie

Despite the adulation of her parents, Suri clearly realizes — even at the tender age of six months — that TomKat has more than a few screws loose. To say the least. They practice Scientology, which is essentially witchcraft. Suri’s pleas for help do not fall upon deaf ears, we assure you… but Tom Cruise‘s rather large security detail might have something to say about our liberating the poor tyke. *sigh*

Well, a Gossip website can dream, at least. FREE SURI!