The Bachelorette Recap: Dodgeball!

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It's Game On for the men of The Bachelorette season 9. Tonight they'll compete for Desiree Hartsock's affections over a rousing game of dodge ball. And one of them will get a special visitor.

Who will survive tonight's Rose Ceremony? Read our THG +/- recap now to find out! (Or just skip straight to The Bachelorette spoilers.)

The Bachelorette Dodgeball Photo

Chris Harrison shows up at Casa de Testosterone to say there will be three dates this week: Two group dates and one one-on-one date.

There's still a lot of tension with Ben. So Bension? Minus 4 (for my terrible joke).

Chris, Brian, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zack K., and Ben are invited on the first group date. None of them are impressed to be sharing a limo with Ben.

They'll be playing Dodgeball today. Here to school them in the ways of dodging and balling is a team from the National Dodgeball League. Which is apparently a thing. 

After the guys get initiated, and by initiated I mean pummeled, Chris shows up to divide the men into two teams. Only one team will move on to the second part of the date with Desiree. The other 5 will be returning to Casa de Testosterone.

They'll battle it out for the rest of the date in front of an audience of bystanders at an outdoor shopping mall who have no doubt been recruited for the express purpose of watching them throw balls at one another. Also, men. Throwing balls. I might be 12. 

The guys are given tiny shorts and tank tops and they're taking it all in stride. Plus 8

The red team is in it to win it. The blue team got Ben. They might turn on him. He should watch his back.

Chris and Drew are the final men standing for their respective teams in Round One. Drew manages to best Chris and Round One goes to the Blue Team.

Round Two, however, goes to the Red Team thanks to Brandon.

Bachelorette Dodgeball Game

At the beginning of Round Three, Brooks takes a weird spill at the ball line and can't get up. His finger is broken and he heads to the hospital to have it reset. But the game must go on and the Red Team vows to win it for their boy Brooks.

Chris and Zack are the final men standing and Zack puts Chris out of his dodgeball misery. The Blue Team gets to go on the rest of the date with Desiree. The Red Team gets to go home and ice Brooks' finger.

JUST KIDDING. 

Desiree declares them all winners so they're all going to the after party. Plus 10. 

Except Brooks. Because he's at the hospital. Minus 2.

While Brooks is at the hospital having his finger reset, he passes out from the pain. But he's still in his short-shorts and his tank top so I'm not really sure which is more embarrassing. 

Desiree makes a toast to Brooks and then asks Brad to visit the hotel rooftop with her. He needs to tell her about his past, which sounds juicy. 

He drops the bomb that he has a 3 year old son, Maddox. He has full custody of his son and only came here because Desiree was the bachelorette. Plus 10 to him for not using his son as a ploy to get her attention during the opening ceremonies.

Chris makes a bold move to garner Desiree's attention and steals her away to a special spot in the hotel: the helicopter pad. Des is impressed. Plus 7.

Bachelorette Dodgeball

After their tiny conversation, he thinks he might get the rose. But Brooks is back. In his short-shorts and tank top. Plus 25

She whisks him away immediately and they end up making out. Because of course they do. I'm Team Brooks, by the way. So far at least.

Chris gets the rose and they get a private concert. And Chris gets to kiss Desiree while the other guys watch from above and stew and appear on the verge of man tears.

Chris is "ecstatic" and calls this "the greatest moment on this journey so far." He feels lots and lots of "chemistry" with Des. So that's what we're calling it these days. 

It's time for the one-on-one date and Desiree has scheduled her date with Kasey. But before she can go on that date, Chris Harrison calls her to give her some news.

One of the guys is being dishonest. Dun dun dun... Minus 12.

Kasey's ready to have their date but first she has to talk to Brian. She leads with "is there anything you want to tell me?" And he says he's feeling very strongly for her. 

He tells her his past relationship was over a long time ago even if they only broke up a short time ago and in walks Chris Harrison with Brian's "ex" girlfriend. Minus 15.

Stephanie Larimore Picture

The guys are shocked! And angry! Some of them may be eyeballing her in case they're sent home this week! Hey, baby, can I get your number??

This feels so fake! At least her tears do. When she flips the anger switch it feels real. And Brian just sits there kind of embarrassed and sheepish like a guy who's been caught.

Apparently, she has a son and he cares about her but she tried to break up with him and he said no, they just needed a break. And drama drama drama.

Two nights before going to L.A. to find love with Des, Brian slept with his not-really ex-girlfriend. Who is apparently a little nuts and likes to throw actual rocks at his face.

Des makes the decision to send the "lying, cheating, deceitful pig" packing immediately. Plus 8. And another Plus 5 for the giant bouncer, Paulie. I'll bet he's really a big teddy bear.

Stephanie Larimore Pic

When Des tells the guys what just happened, the look between Michael and Brooks is priceless. Truly awesome. She gives the guys the opportunity to tell her anything they need to tell her and no one makes a move. 

She and Kasey head off on their date. Finally. Plus 10.

Sidenote: If I were taking a drink every time someone said "for the right reasons" or a variation thereof tonight, I'd be, well, incredibly drunk. Incredibly. So drunk this would be unintelligible. 

Brandon gets the man tears thinking about his life and how he grew up and how Brian cheated on a single mom. He's, like, legit upset about this to the point that I wonder if he's been hitting the sauce before breakfast. 

Desiree and Kasey are ready to have some fun on their date. And that fun involves rappelling down the side of a building while sky dancing. It's called Bandaloop.

Kasey says it feels like they're sharing a moment no one else will share. Well, Kasey, that's because you are. Minus 8

The rest of their date is supposed to be on the rooftop of the building they just danced down, but out of nowhere the wind picks up and there's no way for them to have a conversation. So they jump into the pool. And freeze. And kiss. While the stuff on the roof blows down around them. 

Despite the disaster that was their date, she gives him a rose anyway. The disaster wasn't his fault. Plus 9.

Back at Casa de Testosterone, the guys headed on group date #2 load into a stagecoach to go meet Desiree. A stagecoach. With horses. A team of them. 

Okay, then.

Zak Waddell Photo

They're taken to the scene of a western where Desiree is in a period costume from the Wild West. The guys will be going through Cowboy Bootcamp with the stunt team from the Disney movie The Lone RangerPlus 2 for mention of Johnny Depp!!

The guys are all really great sports about learning to lasso and fight. I'm pretty sure they all knew how to quick draw their pistols before this, though. Ahem.

Desiree plays the damsel in distress and the guys mount their horses. The one who rescues her best will get some extra time with Desiree later.

Dan splits his pants. Zak makes her laugh. Juan Pablo uses his super powers of sex appeal and wins the competition. Plus 7.

And now we're treated to a commercial for the upcoming flick. And also to a liplock between Desiree and Juan Pablo, which she calls "passionate." 

Following their private viewing of The Lone Ranger, Desiree and Juan Pablo rejoin the rest of the guys. Bryden gets the time with Desiree first. He's so delightfully awkward. Plus 3.

Zak W. pays her a great compliment when he says she's a team player who makes everyone comfortable. They laugh really well together. Good, hearty belly-laughing from the two of them. Plus 5.

James is maybe more awkward than Bryden. He's worried about his dad back home and his head isn't all the way in the game. He asks her if she sees something more between the two of them and she gives him the rose to alleviate his worries. Plus 2.

Desiree Hartsock Image

Chris shows up at the house and says that tonight's cocktail party has been canceled. Instead, Des wants to have a "relaxed, chill" pool party. 

Ben's already up to his antics. Minus 15.

He sneaks out the door and grabs her as soon as she pulls up, enticing her to go for a drive before going in to see the other guys. He kisses her in plain view of the other guys and then tells her the car ride is "their little secret." He's so skeevy and she doesn't see it. Minus 10.

Mikey and Chris set Ben up and he lies about spending time with Desiree before the pool party. He lies to Kasey and James, too. Minus 4.

Mikey and Michael call him out on it and he says he doesn't kiss and tell. Then Michael says he can't unscramble that egg and I decide that's a line I'm going to use in real life from now on. Plus 3 for that.

Brandon grabs her for some alone time and tells her about how hard it was to hear about Brian. Then he promises no man tears. And he promises never to hurt her or take her for granted. And that he's falling in love with her. And then he kisses her. 

Finally! The Rose Ceremony!

Brian is already out. James, Kasey, and Chris have roses from the dates. Joining them are:

  • Bryden
  • Juan Pablo
  • Zak W.
  • Brooks
  • Drew
  • Zack K.
  • Brad
  • Michael G.
  • Mikey
  • Ben

Leaving tonight:

  • Brandon
  • Dan

Maybe Brandon's man tears were too much for her? Or his declaration of love? She tells him he's an incredible person but just not the one for her. 

She goes after him and tells him it needed to be now instead of later. She didn't feel the chemistry he felt. 

He's so morose. Put him in one of those hook-up houses that'll come out later this summer, okay? Brandon needs some love. Or lust. Whichever.

EPISODE TOTAL: +44 SEASON TOTAL: +147.

Review

Editor Rating: 4.0 / 5.0
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I literally made the same comment about drinking every time someone says "for the right reasons" to my roommate while watching. That got old really fast.

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Earlier tonight, on The Bachelorette, I am so glad that Desiree sent that gutless, punk-ass L-O-S-E-R Brian home DURING the episode. I knew that there was something about Brian that I did not like from the get-go. And, that Stephanie chick needs to dump Brian's sorry ass and find herself a REAL FELLA...ASAP!!!!! One last thing for now: I kind of like Ben (as a person...or whatever). To me, Ben is NOWHERE NEAR as C-R-A-Z-Y as that PSYCHO TRAIN-WRECK Tierra was from the recent Bachelor Season...LOL!!!!!

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it's a Chrysler automobile with a huge ball in it!!