The women from Jersey are back and worse than ever. I thought Danielle Staub being gone might lighten the drama. Boy, was I wrong.
The night opened with a Teresa Guidice's brother Joe Gorga and sister-in-law Melissa's son's christening. It's a christening. What could happen? Well, if you ever get invited to a Giudice / Gorga family event be sure to bring your protective gear.
But let's rewind. As we first met Melissa, Teresa told us that she and her sister-in-law were not the best of friends.
Who knew Teresa had such a gift for understatement. These two women did nothing but snark at one another's families, homes and parties, each one thinking they were above the other. Quite honestly I'm trying to figure out which one is lower.
There were moments I almost felt sorry for Teresa. Melissa and her sisters suspiciously resembled Cinderella's evil step-sisters when they spoke about Teresa.
They absolutely delighted in tearing the woman down.
Now, what's up with Joe and Teresa's bankruptcy? Teresa still seems clueless about what's happening. Somehow they still have a huge, sprawling mansion of a home.
They're driving their Mercedes, have personal hair dressers for Teresa and the kids, and their daughter has a walk in closet for her purses. The only change seemed to be that Joe was shlepping pizzas and Teresa's writing books.
If these folks have achieved debt forgiveness and are still living like this I think I'm going to be ill.Melissa and Joe (why is every other guy named Joe?) live in their own magnificent manor. 15,000 spare feet of it, Melissa gushed. Melissa enthused about being a chef in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor (???), and a whore in the bedroom as Joe licked and sniffed her toes. Did we really need to see that? I want to burn the image out of my brain.
But back to the christening. The bad blood had been building for a long time and everything came to a head after Teresa showed up late but did attempt to make nice. Her brother, who had copious amounts of alcohol (Who knew the traditional way to celebrate your sons christening was doing shots?) told her to "walk the (bleep) away."
The next thing you know there are fists pounding on tables and husbands charging one another. Every guy in the place seemed to get involved with everyone screaming the F-word at one another. Forget table flipping. This season we got a brawl where cameras were knocked over and children were sent crying in the premiere episode.
Ah, wouldn't God be proud of this sacred occasion.
The Giudice / Gorga feud was certainly the main event but it wasn't the only story in town. Kathy, their cousin was introduced and although she seemed to side with Melissa. I wonder if she'll be playing both sides soon. We also got to meet her weird, slightly creepy husband, Rich. When he said, "Am I hot for Kathy? Sizzlin'. Sizzlin'." I shuttered, and not in a good way.
Jacqueline's daughter, Ashley was interning at Lizzie Grubman's PR firm. If you don't know who Lizzie is, Google her back story.
Ashely's doing well but she just needs to show up every day. Imagine that. But Ashley cried that it's hard commuting and the train costs money. Can you imagine how many people would kill for that internship? Well, Ashley has the solution.
She needs her parents to pay for her to move to the city because this whole process of working her way up is just so annoying.
I couldn't believe Jacqueline walked out when husband Chris was kindly but firmly telling the girl what she needed to here. I seriously wanted to smack the whiny, entitled, little brat.
By the end of the show, Caroline and her family looked downright normal. Albie and Chris were getting their own place in Hoboken. Chris was leaving the family business to start what we weren't told. Hopefully he remembers to speak English in any interviews and not the Cajun gibberish he subjected us to over their family dinner.
Caroline was both proud and sad to have her ducklings finally leave the nest. She only has one left. She eyed her daughter's boyfriend to see if he's "the one." We'll have to see where that leads.
I was exhausted after watching this episode but it did prepare me to duck and weave at the next family or religious event. I can only imagine what the rest of this season will hold.