Don't complain to us about the risque headline above. John Mayer wrote it for us, basically. The dude may be a tool, but at the very least he is an honest tool.
He does not hold back, either. In the new issue of Rolling Stone, John opens up about Jennifer Aniston, calling their breakup "one of the worst times of my life."
The douchebag singer confesses: “I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for people I’ve had relationships with. What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is f**ing fantastic, if I said to her, ‘I don’t dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well."
"But, I have to back out of this because it doesn’t arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny.”
We think that was a compliment to Jen. Either way, we're pleased to report that John has come to grips with being single. And oh, how gripping it can be.
John Mayer topless. Hotness personified?
"All I want to do now is f**k the girls I’ve already f**ked," John says, "I can’t fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I'm interested, and they’re going, ‘But you’re John Mayer!’ So I’m going backwards to move forward.”
"I'm too freaked out to meet anyone else."
As a resort, John has resorted to self-gratification, and he's a pro, if he doesn't say so himself: “I am the new generation of masturbator. I’ve seen it all."
"Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week. I have masturbated myself out of some serious problems in my life."
"The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion.”
Comment rendered unnecessary.
John Mayer: Guitar icon. Chronic masturbator.
Just to clarify, Mayer says the underlying reason for choking the chicken isn’t to please some carnal urge, but “because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.”
We just hope he washes his hands after.