Jennifer Aniston
Gossip

This is a new one from the geniuses at In Touch Weekly.

Rather than simply making up Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston rumors as they normally do (see Brad running back to her, or their secret meeting earlier this fall), the popular supermarket tabloid magazine is entering the prediction business.

Brad and Jen may not be back together yet, but according to In Touch intel, you can rest assured they will. The headline says it all: YES, THEY'LL REUNITE!

If that doesn't convince you, we don't know what will ...

Brad and Jen will reunite! Seriously. Bank on it. In Touch said so.

Whether that's an older picture they used for the cover above, or an editing job even shadier than on Demi Moore's photoshopped W cover, the brief teaser on the cover leaves little doubt that this reunion is totally legit this time.

As Angelina Jolie, whose war against Jennifer Aniston never ceases, is panicking about her "battered reputation," Jen "waits for Brad" at a resort they love. Hot stuff.

You'll have to pick up a hard copy at the store to read about the "big steps" she and Jen are taking together in L.A., because they haven't posted the article online.

Our prediction, though, is that none of those steps have actually taken place. Call us crazy, but that's the hunch we get after the 19th interation of this same cover.

We know they've been playing mind games.

But apparently it's gotten way worse than that.

According to a new tell-all about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the truth about their shaky relationship and Jennifer Aniston's meddling in it is "shocking."

In fact, Brangelina: The Untold Story of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie reveals that the pair has "broken up so many times it would make your head spin."

Tell us about it. He's been sleeping on the couch / thrown out on the street / running back to Jen / abducting their kids for like three months now!

It's apparently Jennifer Aniston-Angelina Jolie Tabloid Cover Week.

The book claims Jolie "has a temper like a cobra" and even alleges that she confessed to hiring a hit man to kill her in 1998 because she was so distraught.

Apparently she's never heard of suicide. Talk about a waste of money. You have to pay the hit man, Angie! And people wonder why we're in a recession.

Excerpts read by Us Weekly indicate that she and Brad Pitt battle over their six children all the time - as well as his secret meetings with Jennifer Aniston.

"They fight all the time about the kids - where to put toys, saying the wrong thing to a nanny, not cleaning up," one source reports. "Like cats and dogs."

No, this isn't Turn Back the Clock week at The Hollywood Gossip. This is the real deal (according to Star): Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are at war.

The stakes: Probably non-existent.

The tactics: High-level mind games.

We are talking about dirty tricks, catty insults, 2 a.m. phone calls and the like. The kinds of things 12-year-olds do when they declare war on each other!

It's been almost five years since Brad Pitt split from Jennifer Aniston and took up with Mr. & Mrs. Smith costar Angelina Jolie, but Star Magazine two women involved in Hollywood's most famous love triangle cannot let their bitter rivalry go.

Tabloids have reported that Brad is running back to Jen - and whether that's true or not, it's clearly feeding the mutual dislike between the women of Brad.

The longtime feud has been refueled, in part, by both of the jealous, desperate women playing mind games with one another and refusing to back down.

Jen takes digs at Angie by flaunting her relationship with Brad's family while Angie relishes rubbing Jen's nose in the fact that she has six kids with Brad.

She might be having another without him, but no matter. The bottom line: "Jen and Angie despise each other and making each other squirm." Mmmkay.

Among the tricks Angelina Jolie employs? Finding out from designers what dress Jen wants to wear on the red carpet - then going for it herself. Burn!

Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston makes late night calls to Brad when he’s in France, conveniently “forgetting” the time difference so she will wake Angelina.

As for Brad? He's "a terrible instigator" and even "eggs it on," according to reports. Hmm. Kind of like a rich man's movie star version of Brody Jenner.

This was pretty much inevitable. Whether she's tearing her dad a new one in interviews or snogging anything with a pulse, LiLo has never been one to lie low.

According to reports, she mauled Gerard Butler in full view of reporters over the weekend, a development that certainly won't sit well with Jennifer Aniston.

Well, it wouldn't sit well with her if she were actually involved with Butler (her co-star in The Bounty) which she probably isn't and never was. But anyway.

Lindsay partied at the launch of the Sol Kerzner Mazagan Beach Resort in Morocco. There, she opened up to OK!, confiding in the mag about life and love:

“I’m fed up of all the drama. I just want to find someone who loves me back. I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack every time I think about the break-up. I came here to get away from it all. I’m ready to have fun now.”

Jennifer Aniston's "boyfriend" Gerard Butler nailed Lindsay Lohan! Anyone surprised? Well, about the Lohan part. We doubt Gerard and Jen are or were an item.

Not long after that inspiring quote, she was locking lips with Gerard Butler. Looking fantastic in a slinky, black dress, Lindsay made her move on the Scot.

She put her Trilby on his head, turned up his collar and started dirty dancing. They ended up in a corner kissing, followed by more dancing and flirting.

Lindsay told us: “He’s hot, he’s mine! I’ve got no ring on my finger so I’m gonna have lots of fun. This is the most romantic place in the world after all.”

Then they were seen leaving together in a golf cart. Way to go, Gerard on becoming the latest in a long line of men (and women) to see Lindsay Lohan nude!

On October 24, Brad Pitt got into a minor motorcycle accident. That wasn't major news.

But the alleged destination to where Pitt was headed is major gossip fodder: a "top-secret meeting with his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston," according to this week's In Touch cover story.

The tabloid lies reports that the rendezvous was set up “via a series of coded – and often teasing – text messages.” But what if Angelina Jolie found out about it?

“Brad clearly felt it was worth the risk," said an imaginary anonymous source, which cited the reason why Pitt wanted to meet up with his ex in the first place: jealousy.

Aniston is supposedly back together with John Mayer, an unsubstantiated reconciliation to begin with. As a result of this relationship, though, the story claims Pitt's thoughts "revolve around Jen."

Of course, this rumor makes perfect sense. After all, if you believe tabloid reports, just look at the state of Brangelina's union, based on a series of recent covers:

Note to entertainment "news" magazines: Aniston and Pitt got divorced over four years ago. We know the actress keeps bringing it up, but can we all move on, please?

Don't you have Robsten break-ups to lie about instead?

THG Editors' Note #1: No he's not.

THG Editors' Note #2: There's no way Jennifer Aniston said that, and the odds of her being back on in any way with John Mayer are average at best.

But OK! remains hell-bent on marrying Jen off to John, whose forthcoming album Battle Studies boasts the following lyrics on one of the tracks:

“Friends, lovers or nothing - we can only ever be one.”

There you go! He's totally talking about Jen! Case closed!

An old picture of John and Jen with a new, fake headline.

According to OK!, the all-knowing oracle of made-up tabloid covers celebrity gossip, no-strings-attached hookups have given way to something more for Jen and John.

We are talking about a Full. Blown. Romance.

Fake swoon alert!!

The couple’s secret, steamy nights behind closed doors at Manhattan’s Four Seasons Hotel apparently have fans buzzing. Just imagine if they were actually true.

The Friends star’s plan to finally have the baby she’s been yearning for is also revealed. Note that the same mag declared Jennifer Aniston pregnant weeks ago.

Nonsense. In conclusion, if you want to read a about steamy love affair that actually took place, try the Brooke Hundley-Steve Phillips saga. ESPN-O he didn't!

After alleged summer flings with Bradley Cooper and Gerard Butler, Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are back on as she scrapes the bottom of the dating barrel!

"He really got to her. She's hooked on him," a source tells Us. "She just can't let go." Funny, we heard the same about her and Brad, hence their secret meeting!

The couple got cozy in April 2008 after spending five days together in Miami, then dated for awhile, but went on to split twice - most recently in January 2009.

A source close to Mayer says "They are very close. They remain great friends. He thinks she's amazing, nice and smart, and has nothing but respect for her."

Are Jen and Jon giving it another go? [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Although they dined separately in NYC on September 22, a source tells they met later that night at the Four Seasons Hotel. Now that's proof right there.

Other reports have claimed they've been texting each other and recently dined with Aniston pals Courteney Cox and David Arquette. Consider us sold!

Jennifer Aniston says she "deeply, deeply cares" about the douchebag, whose next album, Battle Studies, comes out November 17. Can you blame her?

"There's something about John that she just can't resist," says a source.

That something is probably the appeal of not dying alone.

In the past month or so, we've been told that Brad Pitt:

1. Is sleeping on the couch
2. Has been thrown out of the house
3. Is in a fake relationship with Angelina Jolie

All of which are probably 100 percent true, right?

Of course. So it only makes sense that Brad is now said to have held a - dun-dun-dun! - secret meeting with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston during a trip to NYC.

According to the Daily Mail (UK), the pair, who ended a five-year marriage in 2005, met up at a hotel for an hour, and Brad "unloaded emotional baggage."

Brad Pitt told Jen, who still bursts into tears yearning for him, all about his problems with Angelina Jolie, with whom he hooked up after walking out on her.

It comes amid reports that Brad and Jennifer are in regular phone contact and their latest encounter marks their second private meeting this year!

Don't bet the farm on Brad and Jen getting back together, though.

A source added: "She was quick to tell him she wanted no part in his break-up with Angelina," and that she was reluctant to meet with Brad Pitt at all.

Still, the magazine alleges Brad got his mother Jane - who is famously still close to Jen - to persuade her to meet with him and give him some advice.

It comes amid claims that his four-year relationship with Angelina - with whom he has six children - has hit the rocks. Or is over. Who the heck knows.

Aniston was apparently brutally honest with Brad, which took place the Friday before last, telling him he was being selfish and had to figure things out.

Later that day, Brad flew back home to France with son Maddox. Now how about that? Jen may be destined to die alone, but she gives good advice!

This concludes this week's false Brad-Jen gossip. Some recent highlights (our personal favorite being that someone got Jennifer Aniston pregnant):

She's obviously gonna die alone.

She's even pregnant, according to some.

Now Jennifer Aniston is "bursting into tears" in her trailer while filming in New York after filming scenes that "remind her of Brad Pitt," a source said.

The unlucky-in-love actress was late coming out of her trailer while filming The Bounty with Gerard Butler a few weeks ago, and an assistant who went to fetch Aniston told the New York Post that the star was in tears, pleading:

"I need a moment. This scene reminds me of Brad and me."

Jennifer Aniston pulled herself together and managed to smile when she eventually emerged. She really hides her heartache and desperation well.

Jen's neutral expression belies devastation. [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

The on-set insider added, "While she enjoyed flirting with Gerard on set and put a brave face on every day, privately she is still extremely fragile."

Since Bratt Pitt dumped her back in 2005, Aniston has been involved with Vince Vaughn, Paul Sculfor and John Mayer, and linked to Bradley Cooper, Aaron Eckhart and Butler. Nevertheless, she can't seem to shake the lonely-girl label.

"If I'm the emblem for 'this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with life,' so be it," she told Elle, then complained she was misquoted.

Aniston's spokesman says the story about her crying in the trailer is "simply ridiculous ... it never happened." But why should we believe that, when we have sources with no names who don't even know her telling us otherwise? Huh?

Just when you think OK! Magazine can't lower the bar any further, the fabled celebrity gossip supermarket tabloid establishes a new standard of hilarity.

According to this fine publication, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant! What great news!

Too bad there's not a single fact that would remotely suggest this, nor is she even in a relationship. Besides, everyone knows she's going to die alone.

According to OK!, Jen has never hidden that her biological clock is ticking since she turned 40 in February. Understandable, as that's pretty near death.

“I feel [motherhood is] in my future and I’m on the verge of it in some way,” the Love Happens star said in recent months. “I want to have children."

Jen's "baby dream" is coming true. What that is? No one knows.

Becoming a parent has quickly become a high priority for the actress, who has scheduled several months off before starting her next project in 2010.

At least according to a celebrity gossip magazine that cites made-up sources who have surely never even spoken to her. They're made up, after all.

“Jen’s made no secret of the fact she wants to get pregnant,” says one such source. “Now, with nothing on her schedule for a while, she can finally relax and address priorities that matter most. Motherhood is at the top of her list."

“She wants to have a baby soon,” adds another Aniston insider.

Someone should probably tell her that. If she's not too busy picking out what to wear to the wedding of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, that is.