Joe Francis Denies Assault on Jayde Nicole, Says Brody Jenner Has a Small Penis

"I'm the victim." - Joe Francis

Yes, the put-upon Girls Gone Wild founder is trying to paint himself as a sympathetic figure in the aftermath of the epic nightclub melee the other night that resulted in words - and blows - being exchanged with Brody Jenner.

"Brody hit me in the face," Francis says of the incident, which took place outside the Hollywood nightclub Guys and Dolls and ended with Jenner being tasered.

Jenner says Francis kicked and punched Jayde Nicole, his Playmate girlfriend. This happened, according to witnesses, after she threw a drink in Francis' face.

She did this because in her opinion, Joe was paying too much attention to his ex (and her BFF), model Abbey Wilson. But Francis says he didn't hit anyone.

He "may have accidentally grabbed [Nicole's] hair" as he was turning around after having a drink poured on him, Francis told E! News, but that was the only contact he had with anyone. He says that surveillance footage will back him up.

"Someone shoved me from behind, then hurled a drink at me, glass and all," poor Joe Francis said after the fact. "I turned to see who that was, and the next thing I knew, I was on the ground, with Brody Jenner ripping at my shirt."

"The security guards told me that they saw the whole thing, and apologized to me for the trouble. They even offered me a new Guys and Dolls T-shirt."

Security was helping Francis to his car when he says Brody Jenner "cold-cocked" him. At some point during the ensuing rumble, someone took a taser to Jenner.

Francis says he's considering legal action against Jenner for the "false, outrageous, and slanderous" accusation (via Twitter) that Francis pummeled Jayde Nicole.

"I've never hit a girl in my life," Joe says, "and the accusation disgusts me."

But, since he couldn't possibly take the high road without getting in a sleazy dig, Joe says Brody has the "smallest penis in Hollywood" and that only a low caliber person "dates a girl with the word respect tattooed above her vagina."

She really does. Photos of Jayde Nicole naked prove this.

Whose side are you on?