Hey, things got pretty crazy this week, didn't they, America?
It's times like this that we need the genuine batsh-t insanity of someone like Tila Tequila to remind us that things could always be marginally worse.
As some of our older readers may recall, Ms. Tequila was a popular figure on MySpace, which was an arcane rune-based communications system popular among early hominids in the days before Facebook.
The site died an ugly, premature death after overdosing on the millions of HTML customizations and Fall Out Boy videos everyone crammed into their personal pages, but Tila's notoriety has survived.
The reason that she's been able to hold our interest is that she's hands down the craziest celebrity on the planet.
You're probably asking yourself, how could she be crazier than Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Donald John Trump?
To which we say, believe it or not, Tila wins that contest by a mile.
We could rattle off a decade's worth of bizarre incidents as proof -- such as the time she claimed to have evidence that Michelle Obama is secretly a man, or the many times she insisted she's some sort of alien Nazi.
Instead, we'll just share this new video in which Tila casually explains that she was possessed for several years and Paris Hilton murdered her fiancee.
"So back in 2012 I was in Hollywood and I was in the world of Satan. I was possessed by Satan. Hollywood is a platform built by Satan," Tila tells the camera.
"They kept sending me to doctors to overdose me and kill me."
From there Tila goes on to describe how the death of her fiancee Casey Johnson was the result of a Satanic ritual orchestrated by Paris and Nicki Hilton.
“Paris and Nicky Hilton sacrificed Casey while I was in Texas. All of the demonic chicks like Courtenay Semel, Jasmine Lennard, The Hilton sisters went against me because they were the one who sacrificed her," Tequila says.
"She told me all of their secrets and then they tried to sacrifice me.”
From there, the ladies busted out some Xans and eight balls, because apparently, that's customary following a ritual sacrifice.
"I was disgusted," Tila says "So I took two Xanax bars and did two 8 balls of cocaine. Satan had me so on drugs.”
Check out the whole 40-minute (!!!) video for more insanity.
Hopefully, it's the first episode of a new talk show entitled It's the Tequila Talking!