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Kourtney Kardashian has opened up her Calabasas mansion to Architectural Digest to share 87 of her favorite decor items.

We’ll just give you a spoiler alert now: none of them came from IKEA.

Kourtney and her interior designer, Martyn Lawrence Bullard (who naturally has a British accent and spells his name with a "y") go room by room to show off all the overpriced things.

She starts in the entryway, moves on to the kitchen, then finishes the tour in the living room.

Among the tidbits you’ll likely have to auction off your firstborn child in order to afford are:

  • Vintage Belgian mirrors 
  • Custom made entryway table by an artist in Venice, Calif.
  • Stainless steel kitchen sink with an Inox single level mixer with pullout spray
  • Heritage Number 14 kettle
  • Kelly Wearstler bowl, gifted to her by sis Khloe
  • Museum-quality Oscar Niemeyer chair designed in 1971
  • Damien Hirst diamond dust skull, a Christmas gift from Scott Disick
  • Books! Lots of books! (For display only, we’re fairly certain.)

I don’t know about you, but I don’t even know what some of those words mean.

"I love having my kids’ toys everywhere," Kourtney reads from a script.

However, we detect only one "toy," which carefully rolls into frame on the limestone flooring: a mini Rolls Royce.

"My kids’ amazing art is always on display," she tells the camera, and we do see drawings pinned to the Sub-Zero fridge, most likely created with heirloom crayons made with organic paraffin. 

"It’s very chic but practical," concludes the reality star, which leads me to believe she and I have very different definitions of the word "practical."

Looks like Kourtney’s hot bod isn’t the only think her ex Scott Disick’s been missing.

After seeing the riches involved, we’re certain Kourt keeps her fortress locked away from her thief mother Kris Jenner, who was accused of stealing marble from Kim Kardashian’s home.