The Bachelor Season Premiere Recap: We're in Virgin Territory!

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Colton Underwood is a virgin. Did you know that?

Chances are, if you're here, you've heard that about 100 times by now, and didn't need any Bachelor spoilers to tell you for that matter.

ABC continued to hype this virginal fact about the Season 23 star on the three-hour premiere episode Monday night.

It was an eventful installment, one that featured Colton kissing two women and sending home seven more.

"I’m the first virgin Bachelor and it’s crazy to even think about that,” Underwood said early on. “I couldn’t be more hopeful and excited.”

Did his 30 suitors feel the same way, however?

How did they approach the fact that he's never slid his throbbing unit inside of any private parts?

Scroll down for everything you ever wanted to know about this lengthy season premiere -- and visit our section of The Bachelor spoilers to see who actually wins...

1. Ready to Meet the Ladies

Ready to Meet the Ladies
After the usual kind of introduction -- which, yes, focused heavily on both Colton's former football career and his virginity - Chris met up with Colton outside of the mansion to meet his many suitors.

2. They Were Ready to Swipe That V Card

They Were Ready to Swipe That V Card
“If I was the person that Colton gave his virginity to, I would definitely bring out all the tricks,” said Onyeka, an IT risk consultant from Dallas, Texas, at one point.

3. Et Tu, Demi?

Et Tu, Demi?
Added this suitor: “I know that he’s a virgin, which is kind of concerning. If you only ever have a vanilla cupcake, well how do you know you don’t like chocolate? How do you know you don’t like strawberry? I feel like you have to try out all the cupcakes first to know what you really want. I’m the damn confetti cake."

4. Okay. On to the Arrivals!

Okay. On to the Arrivals!
There was Caelynn — who currently holds the title of Miss North Carolina 2018 - wore her sash and everything!

5. Yup, She's a Sloth

Yup, She's a Sloth
There was Alex D., who dressed in a head-to-toe sloth costume (because Colton likes to take things “slowly.” Really. This was her reasoning.) and was so very into it that her arrival took up about half the premiere.

6. Pulled Over for Lameness

Pulled Over for Lameness
There was Tracy, who showed up in a cop cruise because she was the self-proclaimed fashion police. Wow, huh? The sloth costume may have made more sense.

7. LIAR!

There was Bri, who literally FAKED AN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT to get Colton’s attention. She didn't ask him to put any shrimps on the barbie at least.

8. I'm Alex, Actually

I'm Alex, Actually
There was Alex B., who used cue cards to introduce herself in order to save Colton from her cold and/or to reenact a scene from Love Actually.

9. Our Love Could Be a Fairly Tale

Our Love Could Be a Fairly Tale
There was Erin, who arrived in a horse-drawn carriage and left her silver shoe behind, just like Cinderella.

10. Stalker Potential

Stalker Potential
There was Jane, who brought a photo-shopped picture of her dog and Colton’s dog to show him what their happy little fur family could look like. Not scary at all!

11. Pishaw! A Photo?!?

Pishaw! A Photo?!?
Catherine brought her actual dog to meet Colton.

12. Cocktails, Anyone?

Cocktails, Anyone?
At the cocktail party, Demi talks first to Colton alone, comparing where they are from and discussing interests. After Colton compliments Demi’s eyes, she says she's sure he has a “little crush” on her. Demi does not lack for confidence.

13. How Can We Make an Impression?

How Can We Make an Impression?
As always, the women try to think of a way to stand out, prompting Sydney, for example, to try to teach Colton to dance with the help of string quartet.

14. Giddy Up!

Giddy Up!
And then Taysha made Colton give her a piggy-back ride.

15. Kissy Face!

Kissy Face!
The first kiss of the evening went to Caelynn, who seemed to win over Colton by bringing up her love of travel and her old soul. “He kisses very well for a virgin,” she joked. “I was shocked at how he just took the initiative and drew me in.”

16. More Swapping of Spit

More Swapping of Spit
Colton also kissed Katie after having a meaningful conversation about the importance of family. “I never expected to get kissed on the first night, but it was really good,” she said.

17. You. Are. Mine.

You. Are. Mine.
Catherine earned the wrath of the other women by interrupting Colton four separate times while they tried to talk to them. But she didn't care about earning a villanous rep at all.

18. What an Impression!

What an Impression!
The first impression rose goes to Hannah G. because she reminded Colton of "home." She said in response, making it clear she must dream bigger: "The fact that my connection stood out to him is a dream come true."

19. So... Who Went Home?

So... Who Went Home?
This part is never easy. Ready to learn whose fantasy of marrying a virgin they never previously met got shattered to conclude the premiere?

20. Tahzjuan

Sorry, Tahzjuan.

21. Revian

Better luck in real dating life, Revian.

22. Laura

We thought you seemed really nice, Laura.

23. Jane

Maybe settle on just one name next time, Adrianne, aka "Jane."

24. Also, Erin

Also, Erin
There are more handsome fish in the sea, Erin.

25. Devin

Really tough break, Devin.

26. And, Finally, Alex D.

And, Finally, Alex D.
Hang in there, Alex D.

27. This Took 3 Hours?!?

This Took 3 Hours?!?
Well... ABC also treated viewers to live viewing parties hosted by Bachelor alums including Kaitlyn Bristowe, Ashley Iaconetti, Jared Haibon and JoJo Fletcher. And there were frequent check-ins that featured two proposals by random partygoers, a tribute to Harrison (introduced by his mom) and an update on Bachelor Nation babies. Tune in next week for more, folks!

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The Bachelor Quotes

There’s still a lot of growing to do in our relationship. We will not tie the knot until I am mentally and physically prepared as well as Matt.

Shayne Lamas

It was a fairytale proposal like I’ve always dreamed about. I forgot that there [were] cameras around. In that moment, it was just Matt and I and it was the most amazing moment of my entire life.

Shayne Lamas [on proposal by Matt Grant]