For all the many complaints about 2016, we really didn’t hear anyone griping about the lack of semi-nude teenagers.
But in these troubled times, each of us must do his or her part to make the world an incrementally better place, and for Kylie Jenner, that means stripping down for the kind of photos that look like they should be in an evidence locker somewhere.
It probably would’ve been better if she had just kept her clothes on and talked her brother-in-law out of meeting with the
architect of our Flamin’ Hot apocalypse, but we’ll take what we can get.
So to quote the inscription of America’s future tombstone: Enough doom and gloom. Let’s get to the T&A!
Enjoy the raciest from Kylie’s 2017 calendar, shot by the Jared’s future cellmate himself, Terry Richardson:
Kylie Jenner: January 2017
Each January, America’s favorite semi-nude teenager offers a large snake to the Gods of the New Year. We skipped the tradition in 2016, and look what happened.
Kylie Jenner: February 2017
This pic is somehow both peak Kylie Jenner AND peak Terry Richardson. It looks like it would be sticky if you touched it.
Kylie Jenner: March 2017
When millions of impoverished Irish made the treacherous trans-Atlantic journey to America in the 19th century, they promised their starving children a future full of shamrock pasties. True story.
Kylie Jenner: April 2017
If any woman under the age of 21 puts on that shirt and grabs her boob, Terry Richardson magically appears like Beetlejuice. Try it!
Kylie Jenner: May 2017
That looks like the worst bike-riding outfit in the world. Go pedal around in studded shorts and high-heeled boots for an hour and tell us how sexy you feel. We’ll wait.
Kylie Jenner: June 2017
Richardson included this pic on the off chance that there was anyone who wasn’t getting enough of a Lolita vibe from the others. There wasn’t.
Kylie Jenner: Calendar Centerfold
Taken together, all the photos from Kylie’s calendar tell a story. In this one, her butt has been snared by tuna fushermen like an endangered dolphin.
Kylie Jenner: July 2017
A young woman in an American flag bikini top, who looks like she might have just performed oral sex on the robot that took your job. This might be the most patriotic photo ever taken.
Kylie Jenner: August 2017
Sure, when Kylie Jenner celebrates her birthday by smearing cake on her boobs, everyone loves it. When Chris Christie does it, the party’s over!
Kylie Jenner: September 2017
Kylie Jenner got loaded on bathtub gin to shoot this Roaring ’20s-inspired photo. To add to the authenticity, her brother-in-law met with Donald Trump to see about ushering in a second Great Depression.
Kylie Jenner October 2017
We’re actually disappointed by the basicness of this one. We thought for her Halloween entry, Kylie would actually invent a new kind of nudity.
Kylie Jenner: November 2017
If you hit on Kylie, she’ll present you with a golden “K” to inform you that you have struck out. From there, you will proceed to Room 101 to await further instruction.
Kylie Jenner: December 2017
It’s a very Kylie Khristmas! Funny story: If Terry had taken these pics 18 months ago, that candy cane wouldn’t be the only thing in stripes.
Kylie Jenner: Naked Ass for 2017
At the end of their time together, Mr. Richardson asked if he could photograph the teen’s exposed butt. Sorry, writing future police blotters is a hobby of ours.