Way back in April, David Eason shot and killed Jenelle Evans’ dog, an 11-pound French bulldog named Nugget.
Now obviously, David is not a criminal mastermind.
In fact, we’re impressed when we see him out in public with his shoes on the right feet.
But he was able to avoid prosecution in the Nugget case, largely because he and Jenelle made it difficult for police to figure out what the hell actually happened.
Then David went and confessed to the killing in an interview with People magazine, because — like we said — he’s not the brightest bulb.
So might he finally be punished for his nauseating crimes?
Here’s what we know so far:
The Easons Take Manhattan
Jenelle and David are in New York in order to promote her newly-released eyebrow kit. The launch coincided with the city’s fashion week.
Tricky Business
The launch party itself was a sparsely-attended bust that took place on some random Astro-turfed balcony. And the rest of the promotions haven’t turned out much better.
The Challenge
The task presented to Jenelle and David was a difficult one — run damage control and rescue what’s left of your reputation, even though you stand accused of beating and murdering a puppy, then hiding the crime from police.
Absolute Disaster
Because Evans’ manager, Johnny Donovan, knows nothing about his clients, he scored them an interview with People magazine. He was apparently under the impression that they’re a couple of smooth-talkers who would sort this whole thing out with ease.
Even Worse Than We Expected
We don’t need to tell you wrong Donovan was. Despite a series of pre-approved softball questions, Jenelle and David sputtered and stammered their way through the interview and dug themselves a MUCH deeper hole.
A Vicious Beast … and Nugget
“This was something that nobody wants to ever have to do. The dog was aggressive,” Eason BS’ed when asked about the incident.
The “Proof”
We’ll remind you again that — despite the fact that David and Jenelle record every second of their lives — this is the best evidence they were able to provide of Nugget’s vicious attack. We think we see a slight scratch.
More Lies
“If you call the authorities at that point, the law says the dog has to be euthanized. I’m not going to pay anyone to euthanize my dog when I could do it myself,” David added, despite the fact that North Carolina law clearly states that Nugget would have been detained for observation for 10 days AT MOST.
He’s Not Wrong
“I mean, I loved that dog,†says David, doing his best to whip up some fake tears. “I still think about her every day. It’s really hard for me. A lot of people put me down for it, they hate me for it, but like I said it was not something I wanted to do.â€Â
Oh, Really? The Rest Of Us Were Taught to LET Animals Hurt Us!
“His father taught him, ‘Don’t let any animal hurt you’ … and he just thought what he was doing was best,†Evans chimed in before comparing the tiny puppy to — sigh — “a bear or a coyote.”
So Bad It’s Almost Amusing
“He does realize that what he did was wrong. And he does realize that he shouldn’t have done it. And he said, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how bad it was going to hurt everyone,’” Jenelle continued.
Signals Crossed
Totally contradicting what Jenelle JUST said, David then revealed he doesn’t believe what he did was wrong, saying, “I don’t think the dog should have been re-homed, no. Regardless of what I did, the dog would have been euthanized. … The law says if you don’t euthanize a dog that bites somebody, within a reasonable amount of time, you are held liable for neglect.”
The BS Artists
You might be saying to yourself, “So what? This is the same BS these two have been spouting for months. It’s not gonna help them sell their wildly overpriced eyebrow kits, but it’s not gonna make their situation any worse, right?”
About Damn Time
And to that we say, “Hold up, hypothetical reader! Jenelle and David have actually changed their story several times since the killing, and this is the first time David has publicly admitted to shooting the dog.”
The Masterminds
Prior to that, David and Jenelle did their best to muddy the waters and confuse investigators.
Lying Is Their Only Talent
Police never found Nugget’s body, and at one point, Jenelle and David claimed the dog had not been killed, but had simply run away.
It Worked
Cops aren’t gonna comb The Land over a missing puppy, so the charges against David were dropped (but only after the Easons’ kids were removed from the home by CPS).
What a Dumbass
Now that David has confessed to the crime, however, TMZ is reporting that the investigation may be reopened.
He Lacks In Brains, He Makes Up For … Somehow
The site reports that “Eason might’ve just dug his own grave” and confirms that the Columbus County Sheriff’s Department have reviewed the interview and considered reopening the case.
Don’t Get Your Hopes Up
Sadly, a report from Radar Online counters TMZ’s claim.
Not Gonna Happen
“The case has not been reopened,†the Public Information Officer for the Columbus County Sheriff’s Office tells the site. “I have not heard anyone say they are reopening it. Investigators are aware of the interview that was publicized.â€Â
Evil Wins
We’re inclined to believe Radar’s account, not only because that would be a lot of man hours for a dead dog case, but also because in 2019, the worst people are getting away with all the worst things.