The reviews are in, and it looks as though Pirates of the Caribbean is all washed up! (Har har). Naturally, we weren’t invited to the advance press screening—something about lacking readers, proper credentials—but we’ve taken the liberty of rounding up the pun-tastic headlines and choice excerpts from each of your favorite neighborhood movie critics.
The New York Post starts things off, with the headline “AHOY VEY! AFTER 3 HOURS ADRIFT, YOU’LL BEG FOR THE PLANK” which we rate 4/5 stars for managing to squeeze three pirate jokes into a single line. But, we wondered, would the Daily News write-up be more favorable? [SPOILER: No.] Their headline was somewhat more direct, “‘PIRATES’ GOES OVERBOARD WITH PLOT TWISTS” earning 2/5 stars on our predictability scale, but not impressing us nearly so much as CNN’s “EVEN DEPP CAN’T SAVE CLOGGED ‘PIRATES’” lament, (3/5!)
Meanwhile, the NYT underwhelms us with their somewhat obtuse headline, “BACK TO THE BOUNDING MAIN” (0/5) but wins back our affection with their characteristically lackluster review. Finally, the New York Sun cops out with “A PIRATE’S WORK IS NEVER DONE,” (1/5) which they might have easily salvaged with a “Unfortunately, Neither Is This Movie” dekhead.
Summary: Although the critiques were not exactly scathing, they were uniformly negative, with the overall consensus being “I want my money—and 2.75 hours of my life—back.”
The reviewers’ best lines, after the jump!
New York Post:
While there were scattered amusing moments that I enjoyed and the overall film was watchable in a soulless, corporate kind of way, I rarely got caught up in what was happening and looked at my watch a lot.
New York Daily News:
One can’t quarrel with the writers’ fevered imaginations. But when an action movie has to continually stop to have characters explain what’s going on, it becomes an inaction movie. –New York Daily News
It takes an age before Johnny Depp shows his face in “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End,” and when he does, it’s the tip of his nose that looms into screen left, eventually succeeded by a flaring nostril.
I doubt there’s been a larger, longer close-up of a proboscis this side of “Seabiscuit,” and there’s no rhyme or reason for it, really.
New York Times:
???Pirates of the Caribbean: At World???s End??? is rated PG-13 (Parents strongly cautioned). It has scary battles, scary monsters and even scarier rock musicians.
But the high honors of the afternoon go to the New York Sun, for their candid, eloquent conclusion that $250 million does not a plot make.
For the last two days, I have thought hard about the third installment in Disney’s pirate franchise “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.” I have mulled it over in my mind, looked at it from every possible angle, considered all its facets, and I have come to the following conclusion: I have no idea what it’s about. And this is a movie based on a theme park ride. Imagine how lost I’d be if it were based on a book, or even a pamphlet.
Wow, looks like Pirates really puts the “bust” in “blockbuster!” Thanks to all our reviewers for their thought-provoking contributions and we look forward to checking back in with them throughout the summer.
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