Jossip Juxtaposition: John Ventimiglia Gets Fucked Up and Drives 37017

• Keith Richards climbs a fall tree and falls on his coconut. Aw, no wonder Jann Wenner hearts him so much. [ET]

• Ladies, beware. There’s a dangerous predator out there. Just make sure you do like four push-ups every morning so that you’re ready to take out David Spade should he try and pick you up. [Page Six]

• It seems as though Paris Hilton must really want to play Mother Theresa. She’s actually telling people that, in between shopping for vibrators, she attends church. [Page Six]

• Halle Berry took one look at post-preggers Britney Spears and decided she’d rather adopt. [Extra]

• Sopranos star John Ventimiglia get busted for drugs and drunk driving. Somehow he managed not to mow over the thousands of kids running around Park Slope. [NYP]