Colton Underwood: I Panicked, I Stalked Cassie, and I Tried to End My Life

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It is more than understandable that Cassie Randolph wishes that Colton Underwood would stop talking about her.

He's her famous ex. He also scared the daylights out of her after their breakup.

The world is happy for him for coming out and getting to be himself at last, but ... does he have to talk about Cassie?

Yes, apparently. Colton explains the pivotal role that Cassie played in his life and his coming out, and why he lost his mind over their breakup.

Colton Underwood and Cassie Randolph on Social Media

On the first episode of Coming Out Colton, the Bachelor alum opened up about having struggled with accepting his sexuality before taking on the role.

Like so many closeted gay men struggling with who they are in a deeply homophobic society, he had tried denying who he was.

Colton explained that he earnestly believed, going into his season, that it would just take "one really good girl" to "change" him.

Colton Underwood and a Stop Sign

There was a time when Colton thought that he had found this magic girl -- Cassie.

"I felt myself becoming more of a straight man," Colton said in reflection.

In Cassie, he added, he thought that he had "found somebody who could change me."

Colton Underwood and Cassie Randolph Throwback

Because of that, after the breakup, Colton felt that he "started to spiral."

"I was f--ked up," he confessed on the Netflix docuseries.

"I was suppressing my sexuality so hard," Colton admitted.

Colton Underwood on Instagram

"I was taking medication daily to deal with depression and anxiety," Colton noted.

"And," he added, "that made me a paranoid freak."

This, the docuseries implied, led directly to the restraining order against him after Cassie accused him of stalking her after their split.

Cassie Randolph and Colton Underwood on ABC

"I didn't trust a whole lot of people," Colton said.

"And," he continued, "I was trying to do anything and everything to protect a secret."

Colton added: "I lost my mind and I did some things, I said some things I'm not proud of."

Colton Underwood on Good Morning America

"And that's not me making excuses for what I did, because I did f--k up," Colton acknowledged.

He emphasized: "I made mistakes and I will take ownership of that."

In addition to his alarming behavior towards Cassie, Colton attempted suicide after the breakup.

Colton Underwood and Cassie Throwback

"I had a pretty bad weekend in L.A. After the breakup with Cassie, it was pretty rough," Colton said.

"I hit rock bottom," he characterized.

Colton revealed: "I took a lot of Xanax, not thinking I was gonna wake up the next morning."

Coming Out Colton

"I did. It was pretty bad. I literally drove home that day," Colton recalled.

"I drove back to Colorado," he shared. "That was, for me, I only have one life."

Colton reasoned: "Something's gotta change or I'm not gonna be here. I wanna be here. It's in the past now. That was tough."

Colton and Cassie (The Bachelor)

The second episode showed Colton coming out as gay to his father, and Cassie absolutely came up.

"This sounds terrible, but the day I got the restraining order on me was when I knew something had to change," he confessed.

"I was so attached to a traditional life and my straight relationship," he said, "I knew she was my last straight relationship."

Colton Underwood Without a Shirt

"And I didn't want to let that go," Colton said, "because I didn't want to have to deal with this." 

He also admitted that he worried that people would misrepresent his coming out as an effort to "try and save my image."

After all, one could cynically view his public announcement as a calculated effort to "bury the drama that I had with Cassie."

Colton Underwood and Cassie Randolph in Summer

Colton assured viewers that "that's the furthest thing from the truth."

He continued: "If anything, the reason I'm coming out is I'm ashamed and sort of mortified of what got me to this position in the first place."

It turns out that trying desperately to live a lie in order to please other people leads to destructive behavior and misery for everyone. Who knew?

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