There are many downsides to being a member of the British Royal Family.
Upper lip stiffness must be maintained at all times; improper curtsying is enough to earn a firm tongue-lashing; and you have to pretend to be impressed every time Prince Charles starts name-dropping cricket players he’s gotten drunk with.
But the biggest bummer of the royalty gig might be the fact that you have to deal with the prying eyes of the peasantry on a daily basis, but you can no longer just lop their impoverished heads off when they get too annoying.
That’s the issue that Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are reportedly butting up against in their new home at Frogmore Cottage.
Despite the estate’s whimsical-sounding name, Harry and Meghan’s neighbors are not a group of anthropomorphic woodland creatures, but are instead just regular-ass poor people.
Worse, they’re poor people who insist on talking, and it seems the Duke and Duchess of Sussex have heard enough "how do, guvnah?"s for one lifetime.
According to a new report from The Sun (so take this with a British Empire-sized grain of salt), Meghan and Harry’s neighbors are forbidden to speak to them, touch their dogs, or inquire about the well-being of baby Archie.
(We think that last part was pretty well covered by the "don’t talk to them" stricture, but we suppose you can never be too careful.)
These behaviors have reportedly been categorized as "over the top" interactions unbecoming any self-respecting U.K. citizen.
The Sun quotes neighbors of Meg and Harry’s who are apparently outraged by the list of demands:
“It’s extraordinary. We’ve never heard anything like it. Everyone who lives on the estate works for the royals and knows how to behave respectfully,” said one angry bloke.
“We aren’t told how to behave around the Queen like this. She’s very happy for people to greet her.”
Another griped that the Sussexes are so secretive they won’t even let the commoners know their dog’s name.
“The Queen always chats to neighbors and even has tea with people on the estate as she’s very friendly with them,” a neighbor told The Sun.
“Maybe Harry doesn’t want people approaching them and using their dogs as an excuse to talk. And of course, the dog with no name keeps its privacy as they won’t tell us its name!”
Insiders say the rules were issued by “an overly protective palace official” during a recent town hall meeting.
But a Buckingham Palace spokesperson claims no such meeting ever took place:
"The Duke and Duchess didn’t request this, didn’t know about it, and had nothing to do with the content or guidance offered," the rep tells Hello magazine.
So we’re left with two conflicting reports — one from a pack of local yokels, the other from some anonymous palace mouthpiece.
Frankly, neither is an ideal source, and is usually the case with this sort of thing, the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle.
We’re sure Meghan and Harry insist on a modicum of privacy, but their dog’s name probably isn’t a state secret.
After all, these two obviously aren’t shy about names — after all, they happily told the world that they decided to call their firstborn Archie. #RoyalBurn