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Earlier this year, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry recently took up residence in a place called Frogmore Cottage.

So we guess it stands to reason that their fairy tale existence would be undermined by a pestilent toad-villain like Piers Morgan.

Piers Morgan on a Red Carpet

For reasons that aren’t entirely clear (read: racism) Piers hates Meghan.

He spends much of his time these days justifying that hatred so that people won’t recognize him for what he truly is (read: a racist).

His latest explanation might be his most hilariously batsh-t to date.

Piers, M
(Getty Images)

Basically, Piers wants to see more of the hard-partying, naked Prince Harry (read into that what you will), and less of this mature, reliable pillar of the global community that Harry has developed into.

In a recent piece for the Daily Mail (who else?), Piers bemoaned the end of Harry’s heavy boozing and womanizing, perhaps momentarily forgetting that the Duke of Sussex will turn thirty-freakin’-five this year.

Piers practically popped his fly recounting one particular tale of Harry at his most hammered:

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“It involved him in his bachelor days several years ago, stumbling drunk into a West London club full of footballers and celebrities, partying like a madman, including jokily snogging one of the famous men, then suddenly realizing a picture of his Grandmother was on the wall,” Morgan wrote.

“So he roared with laughter, took the Queen’s picture down to avoid her having to witness his antics, and then carried on partying like a madman.”

Most articles that feature an anecdote like that would go on to praise Harry for moving on from his wilder days to become a fully-functioning grownup. 

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, Hand in Hand

But no, Piers says Harry is a total nerd now, and his shrill harpy of a wife is to blame:

“Since meeting his American actress wife Meghan Markle, he seems to have renounced his devilishly playful side and morphed into a squeaky-clean, teetotal, kale munching fitness freak,” Piers said.

Well we know from both his appearance and fawning praise of President LDL that Morgan is no fan of fitness.

But does Piers really think that at the age of 34, Prince Harry should eschew marriage, fatherhood, and public service in favor of hard-partying, just so losers like Piers Morgan can continue to live vicariously?

The answer, it seems, is yes.

This might be our most worthwhile insight into why a foreigner who was on The Apprentice 11 years ago is still so obsessed with Trump.

Meghan Markle with a Wave

You see, Piers is a born lackey.

His greatest aspiration in life is to be taken under the wing of a more successful douche bag than himself.

Harry leaving his douchier tendencies behind him just reminds Piers that he himself is incapable of maturing into manhood, and like Trump, he’ll never be internationally beloved the way Harry is.

Oh, and let’s not forget that Piers’ irrational hatred of Meghan is very obviously the result of his shamefully racist worldview.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Abroad

You really can’t overstate how much he and Trump have in common.

If Morgan weren’t British, Donnie would probably be exploring the possibility of having dead-eyed Ned Flanders tossed out as VP and replaced with Pasty Piers.

Come to think of it, he might be working on that at this very moment.