Once America’s favorite troubled teen, treated with scorn and sexism, Lindsay Lohan is now our greatest export and is in a better place than ever before.
So teases the sub-headline of a New York Times profile of Lohan, who was actually once a very famous singer and actress.
That was eons ago, of course, as Lohan has been known far more for many years as someone who drives drunks; writes poems to ISIS; and yearns for Mean Girls 2 to get made so she can be hired again.
In this New York Times profile, however, Lohan swears she's a new and improved person.
She's living far away from the spotlight in Dubai, she explains, and loving every milisecond of it.
"I’m a normal, nice person. A good person. I don’t have any bad intentions. And my past has to stay in the past," Lohan says, adding for emphasis:
"Like, people have to just let go of it and stop bringing it up because it’s not - it’s gone. It’s dead. And that’s the most important thing to me."
It certainly is accurate that Lohan hasn't gotten into trouble in a very long time.
She hasn't been relevant, either.
She could have been arrested six times in March and would anyone really have noticed?
But Lindsay says this hasn't been the case at all, and that she's content just sitting back and overseeing the Lohan Beach House on Mykonos.
“There’s a business side to my life now," she tells the Times, proving as much by demanding extra money for the photo shoot that accompanied this article.
The actress-turned-entrepreneur says Dubai is "the safest place" for her.
It actually doesn't allow paparazzi-type folks to snap random pictures, so she likely has a point there.
"It’s less demanding. America is always like, ‘Go go go go go!' I don’t have to turn on the news and see about the Kardashians," Lohan adds, taking a swipe at a frequent foe and adding:
"I don’t have to see anything anymore. I choose what I want to see and how I want to live."
Apparently Tiffany Trump will be visiting Lohan in Greece next month, which led to a question about her Presidential father and Lindsay's take on politics.
"Here’s the thing: very simple with politics," she said. "He’s the president. No matter what anyone says, he’s still the president. I have no feeling. I have no emotion."
But what about her mother and father, both of whom she's feuded with hard in the past?
"I’m not in control of my family," she says. "I’m only in control of myself. We’re all friends. My mom and dad are friends, everyone’s good."
About two years ago, Lohan was the victim of domestic violence, claiming at the time that boyfriend Egor Tarabasov strangled her and tried to kill her.
From that point on, she says, Lohan has vowed to take back control of her life.
"I think success is the best revenge - and silence, as a presence," she explains, concluding of the aforementioned awful incident:
"It happened, here in Mykonos, on the beach. And that was the moment where I switched and I was like, 'I’m going to take control of my life completely, and fire everyone and just rehire them when I’m ready.'
"And that’s why I’m here today, because it was on that beach where I got hit. I said, 'You know what? If there’s anything I can do, I’m going to get that beach.
"It’s going to be my beach."