Yes, we know everyone wants Oprah to be president after her Golden Globes speech on Sunday night, but for our money, if there's anyone who can unite this divided country, it's Serena Williams.
Serena is one of the world's most dominant athletes; she's an inspiration to millions; she won a freakin' Australian Open while pregnant, and she's married to a tech gazillionaire.
What we're saying is, we will personally engage in fisticuffs with anyone who has even the slightest complaint about Serena.
Which sadly means we're gonna have to fight a bunch of basement-dwelling, bigtoted troglodytes.
As you can seen, Serena covers the new issue of Vogue with her adorable 4-month-old daughter.
And as further proof that we're living in the Darkest Timeline, people are upset about it.
Yes, as hard as it might be to believe that anyone could be so bitter about their own crappy life that they would take issue with a photo of a world-class athlete and her 4-month-old baby, it seems the goal of 2018 is to remind us each and every day that the planet is populated by humans so cartoonishly evil that they wouldn't be welcome in Slytherin House.
As you may already know, Serena is married to Alexis Ohanian, co-founder of Reddit.
You would think that as one of the creators of the internet's most popular anonymous sh-t talking dens, Ohanian would be beloved by anonymous sh-t talkers.
But apparently that's not the case.
In fact, it seems many of the people who commented believe Serena and Alexis should never have married or reproduced because--long, pained sigh--she's black and he's white.
"Serena is a disgrace to her parents, grandparents, African ancestors because she married and mated with a European knowing that his ancestors owned Africans as SLAVES," wrote one commenter who's probably a lot of fun at parties.
A good rule of thumb is that no one who uses the word "mated" in casual conversation is even remotely sane.
As usual, there were also people who talked disparagingly about Serena's appearance and even--anguished, audible groan--the appearance of her baby.
But we're not going to reproduce those comments here.
In fact, we're leaving all that negativity and BS in 2017, folks!
It's all positive vibes and hydration and whatnot from here on out!
Now if you'll excuse us, we have Real Housewives to make fun of.
Damn, we're messing this up already, aren't we?