The Mummy comes out tomorrow, and ... the reviews aren't great. Actually, they're pretty aggressively negative.
Even as exciting as The Mummy's trailers were, we can't say that we're surprised.
Disappointed, absolutely. Angry ... a little. But not surprised.
The first thing about this film that made us cringe, months ago, was Tom Cruise starring in it. He just isn't likable.
Sure, plenty of his characters are likable, be himself isn't.
He's Scientology's golden boy and he also tends to come across as bonkers.
And while he looks great for his age, he's no longer in a place where he can rely on his looks to carry him.
At least, not with younger crowds who lack very specific daddy issues.
There's also the running joke about how Tom Cruise is "always running from things" in movies. There's a ridicule factor.
Well, the reviewers had a lot to say.
Reviewers weren't impressed by the newbie director who had been a writer on Star Trek Into Darkness, Transformers Revenge Of The Fallen, and Cowboys And Aliens.
In other words, in a bunch of big movies that weren't even a little bit good (did anybody else need to drink to get through Into Darkness? It wasn't just an affront to everything that Star Trek represents, it was also just a bad movie).
But they also had some choice words about casting Tom Cruise in the lead.
"I never came to think of Cruise’s character as anything more than a lying cheat who would occasionally do the right thing," said Daniel Krupa for IGN.
"Imagine if there was only ever enough time to show the worst facets of Indiana Jones or Nathan Drake," he continued.
So, basically, we have a protagonist who is at least as unlikable as Tom Cruise himself. That's ... not good.
"Cruise is perfectly fine in an unchallenging role, but there isn’t enough time to make Nick into even a generic loveable rogue."
Krupa's description ... just makes us want to watch the 1999 film again. Those were some lovable protagonists.
Sometimes, casting decisions seem to be made independently of what character someone's playing.
Like, Chris Pratt is great on Parks and Recreation and in Guardians of the Galaxy, but those are both lovable roles for a lovable actor.
He should not be playing predatory creeps like in Passengers or an unfriendly jerk like in Jurassic World. Those casting choices are wastes of Pratt.
Even some reviewers who seem to normally be able to enjoy Tom Cruise films didn't love The Mummy.
"The Mummy is the first Cruise-starring picture in decades in which his part seems like it could have been played by anybody," said Bilge Elbiri for The Village Voice.
"Not only is The Mummy the worst movie that Tom Cruise has ever made, it’s also obviously the worst movie that Tom Cruise has ever made," reports David Ehrlich for Indiewire.
It seems that even people who go to see it in theaters might not get to "see" much of the film.
"This is a Dark Universe indeed. Other than the one bit set on a plane plummeting to Earth, the action scenes are shot in such low light that you can barely see what's going on," reviewed Jordan Hoffman for Popular Mechanics.
Ugh, we hate when things are filmed in darkvision. Even sepia is preferable.
Apparently the film's one truly redeeming quality was the titular character -- Princess Ahmanet, played by the beautiful and talented Sofia Boutella.
You might recognize Sofia from Atomic Blonde trailers or from Star Trek Beyond, and she's a very likable actress.
She's also, according to some reviewers, the one bright point of the film. Just ... not enough to save the whole thing.
"Easily the best part of the movie is Boutella," says Sarah from LaineyGossip before continuing:
"She has such tremendous physicality that even though you can tell there’s some CGI polish applied, you can also tell that Boutella is really crawling around, contorting herself into broken mummy shapes that are easily the creepiest thing in the movie."
That, at least, is a relief. Nobody watched Snow White and the Huntsman for the protagonist -- they went to see Queen Ravenna.
We did, anyway.
Look, I'm a huge fan of mummies and Ancient Egyptian stuff.
I know just enough Ancient Egyptian to have caught, like, six works when they were speaking in The Mummy (1999) and The Mummy Returns, and adored both of those goofy films.
I watched Mummies Alive! as a kid. I love the Dr. Kara Cooney documentary series Out Of Egypt.
So ... this is disappointing, even on just a personal level.
It's disappointing to fans of monster movies and of mummies and of films doing well.
And a huge disappointment for fans of the original films ... even though not all of them were enthused about a reboot.
Perhaps most of all, it's certainly a disappointment for the studio.
Of course, even bad movies do well at the box office. Like, Dawn Of Justice was basically unwatchable except when Wonder Woman was on screen, but it was a financial success.
It doesn't sound like this film's, you know, good. But Boutella's scenes might be worth watching ... but maybe just in a YouTube supercut.
On the plus side, if this Dark Universe thing doesn't pan out ... at least maybe Johnny Depp won't get to star in The Invisible Man.
Every time that Johnny Depp isn't in a movie is a small victory, you know?