Tom Cruise: ENGAGED to Vanessa Kirby?!

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At this point in his career, Tom Cruise is better known for his Xenu-centric personal life than for his acting.

He doesn't seem particularly bothered by the bonkers trajectory of his career, however, which is a likely as result of the fact that his thetan count is so off the charts he can melt e-meters with his eyes.

*emails Leah Remini to ask if any of that made sense*

Tom Cruise in Germany

Yes, as you're probably aware, Cruise is a Scientologist.

In fact, Cruise might be the Scientologist.

He's the international poster boy for the religion that's synonymous with mental illness (which is ironic, considering Hubbardites deny mental illness even exists).

So when Tommy is looking for a replacement wife, he doesn't just re-download Tinder like the rest us.

No, he sets the Sea Org to the task of finding a new Mrs. Cruise.

Tom Cruise in Berlin

Sure, it's a formula that's failed disastrously three times in the past.

But you know what Scientologists say:

If at first you don't succeed, come up with more sci-fi bullsh-t for gullible weirdos and sue everybody in sight.

In that spirit, we present to you the soon-to-be appointed fourth Queen of the Cosmos, Vanessa Kirby:

Vanessa Kirby Image

You might recognize Kirby from her work on Netflix's The Crown, or her recurring role in Tom Cruise's creepy-ass dreams.

The couple apparently met after Tom basically pointed to his TV screen and said, "Bring me that one."

In Touch is now reporting that Cruise and Kirby are engaged:

“Tom flipped for her work and told the other Mission: Impossible producers that he had to have Vanessa for a crucial role for the franchise’s sixth installment,” a source tells the tabloid.

Obviously, this is horrendous news for a number of reasons.

Tom Cruise: MI - Rogue Nation Tokyo Premiere

For starters - they're making a Mission Impossible 6?!

Why is it that every time a Tom Cruise or a Johnny Depp gets divorced, they have to go back to the franchise well to score an eight-figure salary making a sequel no one wanted?

Anyway, it may seem surprising that Tom and Vanessa are moving so quickly, but you have to work fast when you're a global cult trying to marry off a young actress to your celebrity mouthpiece before she realizes he's criminally deranged.

These situations are tricky and Tom's had trouble finding a replacement for Katie Holmes, so it makes sense that Vanessa is being fast-tracked.

Hi, Tom Cruise!

In all likelihood, she's signing a non-disclosure agreement and working on a convincing "I'm not being held captive" smile as we speak.

Tough to find a bright side here, but maybe she'll get a cute kid out of the deal?

Ya never know.

Our alien overlords work in mysterious ways.

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Tom Cruise Biography

Suri's First Crap
What's not to love about Tom Cruise? Well, potentially a lot of things. But all in all, he's a quality actor with dozens of good films on... More »
Syracuse, New York
Full Name
Thomas Cruise Mapother IV

Tom Cruise Quotes

I was feeling pressed in the interview with Matt Lauer. For me, my issue was really about child drugging. It's not like it is today, like people are really kind of openly talking about this.

Tom Cruise [on Matt Lauer interview]

I can't even articulate it, to be honest. That feeling, that connection. Just who she is and what she means to me.

Tom Cruise [on feelings for Katie Holmes]