Gwyneth Paltrow: Shove Rocks in Your Vagina to Get Better at Sex!

by at .

Gwyneth Paltrow is just brimming with ideas.

The problem is, most of them involve your vagina, and are terrible.

You have thought it couldn't get any worse than Paltrow's tips on steam-cleaning your vadge. You were wrong...

Gwyneth Paltrow Signs Copies of 'It's All Easy' Cookbook in NYC

Unless you have some very unusual bedroom kinks, or you happen to be Lena Dunham's little sister, you've probably never given much thought to filling your nether regions with rocks.

Gwyneth would like to change that.

But of course, she'd like you to buy some overpriced crap from her ridiculous website first.

Specifically, she'd like you to shell out $66 for a jade egg that you will then slip into your va-jay-jay to enhance your lady powers.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Goop mrkt Grand Opening Event at The Shops at Columbus Circle

The entire article about why you should pack your genitals full of shiny stones is worth reading but the highlight has to be the hard sell, in which whatever intern is being paid p--sy eggs fills you in on the benefits

Fans say regular use increases chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general.

The post goes on to instruct:

"Please be sure to follow the instructions included with your egg."

Gwyneth Paltrow: Stella McCartney Autumn 2016 Presentation

We doubt any of you are actually planning to buy the egg, but if you do, WE STRONGLY ENCOURAGE YOU TO HEED THAT ADVICE.

If you start 2017 by having to get a jade egg extracted from your hoo-hah, there's almost no way for the year to redeem itself from there.

What 2016 did to our celebrity population 2017 might do to your dignity, ya know?

Normally, we'd encourage you to DIY it instesd of dropping 70 bones on a piece of polished rock, but there are so many things that can go wrong there, and we don't need that on our conscience.

Gwyneth Paltrow: LACMA 2015 Art+Film Gala Honoring James Turrell and Alejandro G Iñárritu

Unlike Gwinnie, we're not getting rich off advising you to do dumb things to your private parts.

But hey, if you give this thing a shot, drop us a line and let us know how it went.

We promise to admire your bravery in addition to bemoaning your stupidity.

For those about to rock, we salute you.

Show Comments
Tags: ,

Gwyneth Paltrow Biography

British Vogue Cover
Gwyneth Paltrow is an American actress. We are happy to report that her head has been reattached since the movie, Seven, and now she... More »
Full Name
Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow Quotes

I've learned more about myself being married than anything else. I hate to say, "We've got it worked out," because you never know what's going to happen, but we laugh, we're good friends, we like to do the same stuff.

Gwyneth Paltrow

It's hard being married. You go through great times, you go through terrible times. We're the same as any couple.

Gwyneth Paltrow