Donald Trump enjoys many things:
Feeding his old toupees to his stable of horses, enjoying a nice warm glass of proletarian tears before heading to his office at the Ministry of Love, and of course, tweeting.
The Donald loves to tweet, which makes sense, since he has the best words. We're talkin' really yuge, beautiful words here, folks.
Last night, Trump's running mate, Governor Mike Pence, squared off against Senator Tim Kaine in the first and only 2016 vice presidential debate.
If the first Trump-Clinton debate was Wrestlemania, Pence v. Kaine was like some sort of high-stakes chess match.
There were a few volleys of personal attacks, but for the most Pence and Kaine stuck to matters of policy.
Ya know, all that lame stuff that'll impact your daily life for at least the next four years, but makes for totes boring TV.
But while the debate had the subdued tone of Kasparov v. Fischer at the '72 World Chess Championship, from the way Trump breathlessly tweeted about Pence's supposed domination, you would've thought he was watching B. Rabbit v. Papa Doc in the last scene of 8 Mile.
Some highlights from the always-amusing Trump Twitter page:
"CLINTON’S CLOSE TIES TO PUTIN DESERVE SCRUTINY"
"PENCE: I RAN A STATE THAT WORKED; KAINE RAN A STATE THAT FAILED."
".@timkaine IS THE ANTI-DEFENSE SENATOR. #VPDebate #BigLeagueTruth"
"Mike Pence won big. We should all be proud of Mike!"
On that last one, the Donald isn't lying, only exaggerating (and he finally fixed his caps lock key!).
Most polls give Pence a slight edge over Kaine, but there are two important things to remember here:
1. Many GOP voters were desperate to praise Pence following last week's disastrous debate performance from Trump which saw the candidate fat-shaming a former beauty queen and attacking Rosie O'Donnell.
2. Most analysts argue that no VP debate has ever affected the outcome of an election. In fact, VP debates didn't exist until '76; we didn't have one in '80; and there's been a recent push to do away with them altogether.
Naturally, Hillary Clinton was far from silent during Trump's latest Twitter tirade.
Her sickest burns include:
"Mike Pence: a divisive, anti-woman, anti-LGBT, anti-worker extremist. No wonder Trump picked him. #VPDebate"
"Mike Pence claiming that Trump supports our troops and veterans when he insults them and probably doesn't pay taxes is laughable. #VPDebate"
"Number of times Trump has tweeted at @Rosie: 65 Number of times Trump has tweeted in support of Mike Pence, his running mate: 21 #VPDebate"
We don't want to say that was a mic-dropper, but it definitely resulted in a lot of feedback.
Really enormous, beautiful feedback, folks.