Melissa Rivers' Eulogy For Joan Rivers: Hilarious and Heartwarming

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Joan Rivers once mused that she wanted a Hollywood-style funeral. She would have approved of what she actually got, because it came pretty close.

The service, held at Temple Emanu-El on Fifth Avenue in Manhattan included an actual red carpet to welcome attendees to the star-studded farewell affair.

Whoopi Goldberg, Barbara Walters, Clive Davis, Diane Sawyer and a slew of other luminaries filed past the paparazzi and into the temple to bid Joan goodbye.

Howard Stern gave a eulogy for Rivers and Hugh Jackman sang "Quiet Please, There's a Lady on Stage." But the star was Joan's daughter Melissa.

The younger Rivers, 46, stood before the crowd and read an excerpt from her forthcoming book, A Letter to My Mom, which will be published in April.

In recent years, Joan had been staying in a room at Melissa Rivers' L.A. residence when, once a week, she flew in from New York to tape E!'s Fashion Police.

She had some issues with the accommodations, and conversations the women had on the topic before Joan Rivers died were documented by Melissa.

An excerpt was chosen for Joan's funeral by her only child, and it proves Melissa inherited her mother's wit. Read it in its hilarious entirety below:


I received the note that you slipped under my bedroom door last night. I was very excited to read it, thinking that it would contain amazing, loving advice that you wanted to share with me. Imagine my surprise when I opened it and saw that it began with the salutation, "Dear Landlord."

I have reviewed your complaints and address them below:

1. While I appreciate your desire to "upgrade" your accommodations to a larger space, I cannot, in good conscience, move [my 13-year-old son] Cooper into the laundry room. I do agree that it will teach him a life lesson about fluffing and folding, but since I don't foresee him having a future in dry cleaning, I must say no.

Also, I know you are a true creative genius (and I am in awe of the depth of your instincts), but breaking down a wall without my permission is not an appropriate way to express that creativity. It is not only a boundary violation but a building-code violation as well. Additionally, the repairman can't get here until next week, so your expansion plan will have to be put on hold.

2. Re: Your fellow "tenant" (your word), Cooper. While I trust you with him, it is not OK for you to undermine my rules. It is not OK that you let him have chips and ice cream for dinner. It is not OK that you let him skip school to go to the movies. And it is really not OK that the movie was Last Tango in Paris.

As for your taking his friends to a "gentlemen's club," I accepted your rationale that it was an educational experience for the boys — and you are right, he is the most popular kid in school right now — but I'd prefer he not learn biology from those "gentlemen" and their ladies, Bambi, Trixie and Kitten. And just because I yelled at you, I do not appreciate your claim that I have created a hostile living environment.

3. While I'm glad to see you're socializing, you must refill the hot tub after your parties. In fact, you need to tone down the parties altogether. Imagine my surprise when I saw the photos you posted on Facebook of your friends frolicking topless in the hot tub.

I think it's great that you're entertaining more often, but I can't keep fielding complaints from the neighbors about your noisy party games like Ring Around the Walker or naked Duck, Duck Caregiver.

I'm more than happy to have you use the house for social gatherings, but you cannot rent it out, advertise as "party central" or hand out T-shirts that say "F— Jimmy Buffett."

In closing, I hope I have satisfactorily answered your complaints and queries. I love having you live with me, and I am grateful for every minute Cooper and I have with you. You are an inspiration.

You are also 30 days late with the rent.

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