The treasure trove that is the latest issue of Star magazine keeps providing us with glittering gossip gems about the awkward love lives of A-list celebs.
First, we learned Taylor Swift talks about her cats on dates. (Gold!)
Then we found out Ryan Gosling cries after sex. (Platinum!)
Now comes the Hope diamond of embarrassing celebrity bedroom revelations:
It turns out Leonardo DiCaprio used to get it in with model and "actress" Bobbie Brown, the woman best known for her work in the iconic video for Warrant's 1990 hit "Cherry Pie."
When her fame was declining and Leo's was on the rise, Brown offered the actor her still-coveted pastry on several occasions, only to find that he couldn't cut it.
Brown describes the end of one of their short-lived encounters thusly: "[He said], 'Wait a second! Don't move, Bobbie. We need to slow down.' But it was too late."
According to the tabloid's description, "Leo couldn't even last as long as one of his movie trailers." But Brown says there was a big upside:
"He was... titanic," says Bobbie, no doubt giggling at her own outdated penis pun.
So there you have it. We now know that Leonardo DiCaprio is fat and something of a two-pump chump in the sack. Even so, if you're reading this and you have a vagina, you know you totally would.