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Lindsay Lohan’s turbulent time on the set of The Canyons has been documented like never before in a lengthy new feature in the New York Times.

You should really follow the above link and read the whole thing to fully appreciate what a mess the girl is, but here are a few quality excerpts:

The feature story, fittingly and appropriately, is titled, “Here Is What Happens When You Cast Lindsay Lohan in Your Movie.” Among the things that happen?

Girl got fired, at least once. After staying out all night with Lady Gaga and other transgressions, she was cut loose, only to be rehired after drunken sobbing.

 

LiLo’s film faux pas were too innumerable to list, but her physical inability to be on set on time – early, often and without remorse – was what got her the pink slip.

“Lohan began to cry and begged for another chance,” the piece claims, saying the actresses even went to the director’s hotel to bang on his door.

“She pounded on doors until she found [the director’s] room. She texted him manically… Lohan stayed out in the hall sobbing for another 90 minutes.”

She agrees with just about any Liz & Dick review. The movie sucked.

“At their second meeting, Lohan complained to [Canyons director Paul] Schrader about a biopic she was shooting for Lifetime, in which she played Elizabeth Taylor.”

“She proclaimed the director a jerk, her co-stars a nightmare and the crew unfriendly. On it went.”

She fantasized about Africa. Early in the filming, Lohan stopped sucking on a cigarette long enough to drop this bomb: “When it’s done, I want to go somewhere far away.”

“Maybe Africa. Uganda? But right now all I want to do is work, work.”

She later changed her mind, stating “I don’t want to take a while off, I want to keep working. There’s some other scripts, and I eventually want to direct.”

Lindsay Lohan, Director. Try not to laugh at that vision.

Lindsay is jealous of co-stars and anyone who might outshine her. She apparently has issues with other actors, male and female, who she views as threats.

“She smiled and waved to everyone and then noticed a magazine with Oliver Stone on the cover,” it reads. “She picked it up and ripped it into pieces, cursing.”

Lohan had been considered for a role in Savages, but the director eventually passed. She then went into the bedroom, calling out, ‘Does anyone want a beer?'”

Please.

Jokes about jail are okay … her chin not so much.

On no fewer than two occasions, the 26-year-old self-deprecatingly and casually joked about her jail time. “Rejection for an actress is formative,” Schrader said.

LiLo quipped, “Well, it’s nothing like going to jail, I can tell you that!”

It’s all good, unless you call her (or make her look) fat, intentionally or not. “‘I hope you got my triple chin on that one,” Lohan said to no one directly at one point.

“That shot was hideous.”

Rodrick writes about one of the Bret Easton Ellis movie’s sex scenes, echoing a sentiment she seemed to feel about the whole movie: She hated it.

It does look pretty terrible, based on the trailers below.

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