Jersey Shore is really limping toward its December 20 finish line at this point.
Even its most loyal devotees will concede this; it’s run out of … something.
Let’s break down the penultimate episode and The Situation’s strip show:
The Situation’s stripper name, Vito Dorado, was pretty much the highlight.
Somehow the others convince Mike to show us his moves, which he used to do for money before he became a reality star … and wow. Just wow. Minus 50.
JWoww really takes one for the team in this case. Poor, poor thing. Plus 20.
A stripping bit is “all about the storyline … the presentation.” – Vinny. Plus 10.
“Mike is actually the worst stripper I’ve ever seen in my life.” – Ron. Plus 20.
Perhaps sensing that he’s tanking it hardcore, Mike, who somehow used to charge $20 for this nonsense, lifts and twirls Jenni in the air. Not much better. Minus 40.
Snooki notes a la Chris Brown that she would have farted on him. Plus 10.
Elsewhere, Jionni LaValle is talking trash about JWoww talking trash about him, and Roger Mathews tells JWoww about Jionni talking trash. Obviously. Plus 10.
They chat and clear the air, we think. Plus 10.
At Karma, Paula Pickard is STILL angling for The Situation. Minus 100 because that’s just sad at this point, especially as he tries to pick up a$$ IN FRONT OF HER.
Mike later talks about how he cares more about Paula than any other girl in the club, which totally works on a girl who has no self-esteem whatsoever. Minus 50.
“I come from a long line of ninjas,” Mike explains, douche-tasticallty. Plus 20.
Paula observes Mr. Ninja’s antics, and it looks like next week’s finale features her doing some backhanded work of her own, which you can’t blame her for. Plus 30.
Pauly finds his first and possibly last DTF chick of the season. At least he made it count and made sure everyone heard him getting it in. Gross, so No Points.
Ronnie and Sammi talk about moving in together. We know there have been know knock-down drag-out fights this fall, but WOW is that a terrible idea. Minus 50.
Apparently it’s Meatball Day this week too. Which makes this somehow different from any other episode of Jersey Shore … not at all, but go with it. Plus 30.
Since Snooki can’t drink, she decides to hold the Meatball Olympics, demanding contestants imbibe and do ridiculous things to go for the gold. Plus 30.
Among their tasks? “Wand” someone on the boardwalk and say “merp.” These men and women are actual grown adults, let us remind you of that. Minus 10.
The Situation sees the aspiring Meatballs and is taken aback at the “number of strangers that are horizontally gifted.” Gotta hand it to him on that one. Plus 20.
When the Meatballs depart, the gang throws it DOWN in a dance party, and Deena’s blurred out kooka makes its weekly appearance. Ah, Jersey Shore. Plus 50.
“We’re not finished rocking,” Vinny says, teasing the series finale bonfire, as Mike ponders inviting Paula. Obviously. One more lay for old times’ sake!
EPISODE TOTAL: -40! SEASON TOTAL: +230!