The Bachelorette Recap: Rainbow Connections

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The Bachelorette is back in full swing, and with it, all the scripted drama, misleading promos and man tears we've come to expect over the years.

It doesn't get any better than this ... for us. Emily might beg to differ.

After a season premiere that featured memorable first impressions - some good, some not so good - the remaining men took another shot tonight.

Follow this link for a rundown of The Bachelorette spoilers we know so far, including the (alleged) final three. Then read on for THG's +/- Bachelorette recap!

Bachelorette Hottie

In case we weren't aware or forgot, this is being filmed in Charlotte so Emily can be near her daughter. The news and locals hope this will remind people that Charlotte exists. 

Mr. Hostman (ha, get it? Hostman? Postman? Should I minus 5 myself for that?) Chris has letters for some guys to let them know they'll be going on dates with Emily.

Some of the other guys will have to stay behind. Hostman reminds them that if they get alone time with Emily, they have to take advantage of it. 

Kalon says he's upset to see the other guys, particularly Ryan, get to spend time with Emily, the girl he wants to be with. Minus 5. Jealousy's not flattering on anyone. And your jealousy is faked for the camera, Kalon, so that makes it even more unflattering.

Kalon does, however, speak the truth when he says this is like the frat house from Hell. To show us just how frat house this is, we're treated to gratuitous shirtless guys! Plus 10!

Emily takes Ryan on the first date. Instead of something romantic or daredevil-ish, Emily's idea of a date is to rake Ryan home with her. So that he can bring in the groceries. Plus 5. This is manpower at its finest, Emily! 

Because Emily's a single mom, her life is normal. Ricki's at soccer practice and Emily's snack mom so she and Ryan bake cookies. He dons Emily's apron and busts out his inner Betty Crocker. Plus 5. Another Plus 5 to Emily for leaving Ryan in the car while she drops off the snacks. Ricki's young and Emily doesn't want her meeting all the guys yet. She brings back a juice box and some cookies and he's kind of adorable drinking his little apple juice snack.

Emily changes out of her mom clothes and lets Ryan iron shirtless--I mean--get dressed up and they head to dinner. Along with the rest of the town who has shown up to the restaurant like Emily's walking the red carpet at a blockbuster premiere. She's decided to ask any questions she has, no matter what they are. Her first question for Ryan is how many girlfriends he's had. Ryan's answer: 2. Her next question what do you do when the chase is over and you've got the girl? He wonders why the chase has to be over. Good answers, Ryan. Plus 5.

Emily doesn't want to be the prize at the end of someone's competition. Uh, honey, I hate to break it to you, but this is a freaking competition. And you're the prize. Minus 15.

Ryan turns the questions around and asks if she's going to be comfortable enough to let a man come in and treat Ricki like his own. Emily says she's tired of being in charge. But everyone knows she'd still be in charge. Atta girl, Emily.

Back at the house, the guys get a notice of a group date and their hint is "Let's set the stage for love." Kalon thinks he'll be in his element on the stage and says he was Pinocchio in first grade. I think I see his nose growing every time he's on the screen.

Emily worries that Ryan's too perfect and compares him to Brad, but she gives him a rose anyway. These two are cute together, all Southern and sweet. 

Emily Maynard and Kermit the Frog

It's a new day and the group date is here. Emily's taking them to the theater. Her and 13 guys. They'll all be performing a variety show to benefit the Levine Children's Hospital. Their back-up actors?

The Muppets. 

Five men will be dancing. Five men will be singing. Three men will be doing stand-up. All of them promise to be awkward. Plus 5.

Charlie's in the stand-up group and he's really nervous. He feels a little insecure about speaking in front of strangers. He goes to see Emily about his fears. Emily praises him for his confidence and says she never would've known he had any lingering issues. He switches to another group.

This Muppets thing is weird. Beyond weird. Emily asks Kermit to help zip her dress and the Miss Piggy throws a tantrum. Mr. Hostman has a conversation with one half of the cranky old man duo. They're all pretending the Muppets are real people. Really, producers? REALLY? Minus 20.

At least Ricki likes it.

Miss Piggy has Joe write a poem on the spot. Charlie starts sweating bullets. Jef has to propose to Miss Piggy. And finally it's back to Charlie. Miss Piggy asks "What do you tell a woman when you want to impress her?" Charlie's answer is that he'd remind her every day how beautiful she is, how special she makes him feel, and how lucky he is to have her in his life. Plus 10. Good answer, Charlie.

Emily says she was like a proud mama about their performances. Proud mama's not quite the feeling you should be going for there, lady. After another ridiculous skit with Kermit and Miss Piggy about kissing frogs to get to a prince, Ricki goes up on stage to help Emily sing with Kermit. This is the first time the guys have seen her.

After the show, Emily meets up with the guys to decide which of them will get a rose. Chris takes her for some one-on-one time and says he's been really nervous for the past couple of days.  Emily says he's really good looking but not full of himself and that's what she likes about him. There are better looking men in this competition, but Chris seems nice.

She hangs out with Jef next and says she feels really awkward when she hangs out with him. He says he feels awkward too. He's so much younger than 27. Ditch him, Emily. He's just not ready.

Back at the house, another date card appears. Joe's got a one-on-one date with Emily. Sean thought it would be him. 

Stevie got Emily to slow-dance in the cheesiest way possible by asking her how she danced at her prom. Cheese. CHEESE. Minus 10.

Kalon cuts in. Minus 15. He's just such a douche. Aaron rescues her. Plus 5.

Around the fireplace, Kalon and Stevie are setting up the competition that Emily said she didn't want. Stevie says "I don't like you." Kalon responds with "I wouldn't like me either if I were you. But I'm me." Kalon says they all want to be the guy who talks to her and gets the rose. Minus 20, ten points for each of them. Emily joins them all and Jef gets the date rose. He's safe for the next elimination. 

So a Guy Walks Into a Bar ...

Emily and Joe are going on a date. She says it's going to just be an over-the-top date. Joe's limo pulls up to the airport and a private jet on the runway. Emily's ready to take him home. (What is with her and taking these guys home?) They're going to West Virginia, her home state. Emily says she's kept him around because he has a fun spirit.

They go to The Greenbrier, a place she's been coming ever since she was a little girl. The plan is to just have fun. So they go swimming. Emily better be careful jumping into the water in a tube top or Joe's going to get a show.

Back at the house, the question comes up: Is anyone really scared of jumping into the role of father?

Kalon says he always expected this would come a different way, that his first child would be his own. Doug says he and Tony can tell them that this is a big thing to think about. Emily's first priority is Ricki. Then Kalon says Doug has put being a dad on hold and Doug puts Kalon in his place. Minus 30 to Kalon for being himself, but Plus 10 to Doug for telling Kalon to check it.

Joe and Emily are ready to go to dinner. Emily says there are so many sides to Joe she likes, but the spark is missing. She hopes the spark will come tonight. She starts in with the questions just like she did with Ryan. She asks him where he sees himself in 5 years. His answer? Happy. With no regrets. And then tells her that if it's the two of them at the end of this, he'll go wherever she wants him to go. I feel like maybe he jumped a little too far into that deep end on that question and killed the date. Minus 20.

There's something called the Love Clock at The Greenbrier. Joe and Emily write their love wishes and put them into the clock. Joe's wish is to come back to The Greenbrier with Emily and Ricki and meeting her parents. Emily cries. Emily's wish is that this time will be forever because she's learned what will stand the test of time. 

Those butterflies she was looking for? They didn't come. And she cries on their date and says she doesn't know where she and Ricki fit into Joe's life. He says he gets it and they can part ways now. He heads back to Charlotte and as he drives away, The Greenbrier shoots off fireworks. 

Back at the house, the guys see Joe's suitcase disappear. They didn't just send him back to Charlotte. They sent him HOME home.

Emily Maynard on The Bachelorette

It's time for the cocktail party and Rose Ceremony. Before the party gets started, Emily addresses the fact that Joe went home and says she's taking this really seriously. Arie gets her first and they talk about life in Scottsdale. He asks her what she does for fun and she says she doesn't really know. He tells her that he's dated a single mother before and he loves kids. Then she tells him he makes her nervous. They're cute together, too. Plus 5.  I like Arie.

Ryan's talking to Emily and he has a rose, so the other guys get aggravated. Tony's taking his chance, but first, Ryan's written her a letter and she has to read it. Tony has to listen. 

I think Emily is not amused with Ryan's shenanigans. Minus 10.

After a commercial break she's still not finished reading that letter. And Tony's still standing there. Still. But he finally gets to go and talk to her and tell her about his son for the first time. Emily says she's there for him since she understands what he's going through in being away from his little boy. 

Kalon's been sitting by himself all night. He says the other guys have painted him as the outcast and because of that he MUST have time with her. Kalon painted himself as an outcast by being such a douche. Minus 10. He doesn't always relate to girls his age because he's so much older than 26.

Doug swoops in to steal her away. Plus 10.

Mr. Hostman shows up, finally, to get this Rose Ceremony started. Emily's off to make her decision about which two guys will be leaving.

The first guy she saves is KALON. And I want to scream. Minus 40. NO NO NO, Emily. NO.

Going home:

  • Aaron
  • Kyle
  • Joe


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