Keeping Up With the Kardashians is back!
That’s right, the most boring, scripted show on TV is SO back!
On the Season 7 premiere, Kim and her giant boobs gush about the importance of family, Kourtney reveals the gender of her second baby, Khloe and Kris clash over whether she should take a DNA test, and Bruce takes $h!t from everyone.
Basically all stuff we already knew or didn’t care about. Anyway, here’s our recap!
Kim Kardashian: “After going through a divorce this past year, it just taught me that family is the most important thing.” Well, family and Kanye. Plus 10.
Khloe’s in town, but no one bothers to tell Bruce dinner is ready, and he doesn’t bother to come downstairs. Blame is shared equally there. Minus 15.
“What does a guy got to do to get a little respect around here?” he says. Not be surrounded by a bunch of money-grubbing reality stars? Minus 10.
OMG … is Khloe a biological Kardashian? The DNA test drama resumes as Kris Jenner is consumed with the paternity rumors re: Khloe Kardashian.
“This story is not going away,” Kris laments. Yeah, because you have Google alerts set up and are filmed talking about it for your show. Minus 30.
Dr. John Taddie, a DNA specialist, shows up during dinner. Minus 5. No wonder Bruce wants to hide away in his hideously-decorated man cave.
Minus 10 more for Kris being THAT nag who berates Bruce for spilling chips on their new furniture. This guy is one step away from hitting the road.
Plus 30, though, because after actually communicating with Kris, Bruce gets a different perspective and decides to step it up in his role as dad.
Taking Kendall and Kylie Jenner out for dessert sans their cell phones (Plus 10), they tell him about their big test the next day. Cute. Plus 10.
Minus 5 for filming Keeping Up instead of studying, but still.
Side note: WTF is going on with Bruce’s face? How much plastic surgery can one man have? Minus 40 for that and the ridiculous earrings.
Scott’s dry spell in the sack may or may not be attributable to his porn mustache. Minus 15. Would you let that guy sleep in your bed?
Mason really, really needs a haircut. Cutie, though. Wash.
Kim is pissed that Kourtney’s controlling DASH, the boutique they’re supposed to run as a team. Minus 10 because none of them really run $h!t.
Speaking of clothes, Kris Jenner is painful to look at. For a so-called entertainment mogul, she may be the worst-dressed celebrity ever. Minus 20.
No mention of Kourt being pregnant and betrayed. Give it a month. Plus 10.
Kourt agrees to work more closely with her sibs. “I have so many fun memories of pretending we run the DASH store,” she says. Aww. Plus 10.
She and Scott are having a girl! How exciting! Plus 75.
Kris is so hung up on the DNA thing that she barely even reacts, then writes Khloe a letter urging her to take the test. Give it a rest lady. Minus 50.
Finally, thanks to a TIGHT script at Ryan Seacrest Productions, she sees the light and decides to let celebrity gossip die down and cut Khlo a break.
“If Khloé’s OK with this whole thing then I’ve got to be OK with it to move on and go back to being a good mom,” Kris says. So heartfelt. Minus 10.
EPISODE TOTAL: -120.