The NFL will feature four Divisional Round playoff games this week, three of which we’ve already determined the results for via a detailed, scientific comparison of players and team traits. To wit:
- The Giants will knock off the Falcons.
- The Broncos will beat the Steelers.
- The Saints and Lions game will end in a tie.
Now, for the matchup that will air actually first tomorrow afternoon, let’s rundown the most important aspects of the Cincinnati Bengals and the Houston Texans…
1. TOTAL OFFENSE (YPG)
Bengals: 319.9
Texans: 372.1
Edge: Texans
2. TOTAL DEFENSE (YPG)
Bengals: 316.2
Texans: 285.7
Edge: Texans
3. TEAM RUSHING (YPG)
Bengals: 111.1
Texans: 153
Edge: Texans
4. TEAM PASSING (YPG)
Bengals: 208.8
Texans: 219.1
Edge: Texans
5. ROOKIE QUARTERBACK
Bengals: Andy Dalton
Texans: TJ Yates
Edge: Bengals
6. HEAD COACH
Bengals: Marvin Lewis
Texans: Gary Kubiak
Edge: Bengals
7. FANTASY FOOTBALL STUD
Bengals: Cedric Benson
Texans: Arian Foster
Edge: Texans
8. FEELINGS ON BEING MESSED WITH
Bengals: Eh…
Texans: Don’t you dare!
Edge: Texans
9. WILL MOST MISS…
Bengals: The antics of Chad Ochocinco
Texans: Injured star lineman Mario Williams
Edge: Tie
10. TEAM DEFENSE, PASSING YPG
Bengals: 211.6
Texans: 189.7
Edge: Tie
THE VERDICT: This one shouldn’t be close. Houston takes it by a final tally of 7-2-1, our most lopsided victory for any playoff team yet over another. With a strong defense, arguably the best running back in football and a surprisingly efficient rookie quarter, the Texans are on track for their first-ever postseason victory.
WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN?