It must be July.
Each year around this time, against our better judgment, we tune in to see ridiculous exhibitionists sequestered and plotting strategies in a CBS “house”.
Are we proud of the fact that we watch this? Can you take enabler Julie Chen seriously on The Early Show given her role in this nonsense? No and no.
Do we keep coming back, three times every freaking week. Oh yes? Come along as THG recaps the season premiere of CBS' guilty pleasure, +/- style!
The new cast arrives ... only there are a mere eight of them. Something's up. Let's break down our first impressions of these eight nut jobs first:
Dominic Briones: Adrenaline junkie and admitted virgin who still lives at home. That seems like a contradiction in terms, but he seems nice. Plus 6.
Adam Poch: Metal head. WWE look. Loves appletinis and (old school) 90210. The scream was annoying, but grew on us a bit, so Minus only 3.
Kalia Booker: Blogger who compares herself to Carrie from Sex and the City. Girl please. Carrie B. would never use the term "bestie". Minus 5.Porsche Briggs: Florida VIP Cocktail Waitress with a name befitting of such a job, and with an IQ that's definitely not in the triple digits. Minus 7.
Lawon Exum: A colorful fellow in terms of both wardrobe and personality. He declared that everyone loves Lawon. Jury's still out there. Wash.
Keith Henderson: A minister for whom biblical references and sexual innuendo are closely tied. Is it funny? Creepy? Hard to say. Wash again.
Cassi Colvin: A gorgeous model with a southern accent who looks like a dead ringer for Olivia Wilde and calls herself a proud tomboy. Plus 12.
Shelly Moore: Mom, outdoor apparel company VP, instant BFF of Cassi. Plus 5.
As usual, a bunch of off-the-wall, thoroughly absurd cast choices. Bravo, CBS. Where do they find these people! Are they even real people? Plus 9.
Plus 7 more for the immediate lies they all start telling. Everybody's got their game plan, and it's fun to watch them try to execute it.
Big Brother 13’s team twist allowed the eight newbies to choose partners, rather than be paired up according to the producers as in BB9.
Cassi and Shelly, Adam and Dominic, Keith and Porsche, and Lawon and Kalia join forces. Some are happier about this than others. Plus 4.
The bigger twist is that when a team wins HoH, one team must go on the block, with the surviving member winning immunity until the Top 10.
Was “The Golden Key” concept put in place because the surviving person will have no one to be nominated with anyway? Confusing. Minus 8.
Too many rules, too little drama. We know it's the premiere, but Minus 11.
And now the biggest twist of all. Returning stars will comprise the other six spots in the house! Lame, in a sense, but they did bring back three damn good tandems, and the newcomers' reactions were priceless. Plus 4.
Plus 15 for Brendon and Rachel walking in the door. because as much as we despise Rachel’s laugh and how whipped Brendon is, you know they were the first couple you wanted to see. For better or worse ... stuff just happens involving Brenchel!
Jeff and Jordan are still the adorable couple they were two summers ago. Surprisingly normal, too. Almost too much so for this program. Plus 6.
Dick and Danielle were an obvious, controversial choice. You either love Dick or hate him. His daughter Danielle? A wild card. Should be interesting. Wash.
Minus 21 for the new houseguests getting absolutely thrashed in the first HoH competition. Come on guys. Not even making the top three?
Plus 4 for Dick and Danielle quickly recognizing their outsider status and aligning themselves with Brenchel. In this case it will serve them well.
The best/worst thing about Big Brother is that CBS can make up rules at any time, and anything goes. This season it took a whole 90 seconds to change the game.
You knew something was up when only eight peeps arrived. The old stars, personality clashes, team aspect and immunity angle should be fun to watch. Plus 5.
EPISODE TOTAL: +22!