The Real Housewives of Miami Recap: What a Bunch of Floozies!

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There are very few reasons I still watch The Real Housewives Of Miami, and they all have to do with either boredom or a hiatus of better shows.

None of the women who signed up for this franchise have made an impact, other than turning us all off to Miami. While my anxiety levels are at zero for this go-round, my attention has not been caught.

This proves to everyone that as vibrant as that pocket of Florida might seem, it's nothing more than a pack of floozies in gaudy get-ups. 

Lea (above) and Larsa have decided that last night was the perfect opportunity to introduce their cleavage. It was everywhere-staring you in the face at a gallery, leaning in to listen over a three-hour lunch. Actually, I take that back. Lea's made their debut at her gala last week, and we can't look her in the eye as a result.

Alexia should think about forcing her son to get a job, or to do something that requires him to interact with semi-normal humans who don't live in Miami.

Disney World would change his life. Not modeling, because that will only make the problem worse. And the young buck is planning to graduate high school?

And he wants a DJ that will spin tunes for $5,000/hour?

Grab yourself an Ipod, son, and start making a grad mix. These are hard times we've fallen on and we're not spending money on such frivolous things.

Shoot, we're on Bravo. I forgot.

Cristy is still awful, and I can't wait for her to receive that gala invoice from Lea. I'm not sure who she and Larsa think they are, but the rest of us stick our tongues out and give them a big ole' thumbs down. O nigh nigh, mean girls.

Scottie Pippen tells wife Larsa he's going to be inducted into the Basketball Hall Of Fame, and the first thing she asks is, "What do I get?"

What do you get? Bitch, you get to keep a roof over your head and continue on with your shallow existence. That's what you get.

What Adriana did at her gallery party was very unprofessional.

No matter how much of a jerk the featured artist is, don't showcase another at his party. It's tacky as hell and really bad for business. Quite frankly, I don't disagree with the way the artist's spokesman/champion felt.

Might he have done it in a more private manner? Of course! But the point is that what Adriana did was not right. Boom.

I can't put my finger on it, but I have seen Elsa Patton somewhere. Could it have been on a botched surgeries special ET featured awhile ago?

No, that was the cat lady. Are they the same person? 

I just realized that these bitches toast the intro with a glass of champagne. They should hold lemons because this show sucks.