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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are being torn apart, according to a new tabloid report. But it’s not a third party or an emotional rift wreaking havoc … it’s the FBI!

Presumably, Star magazine is referring to Tom’s slave labor Scientology bus or what have you. It’s impossible to guess how the feds would actually be involved.

All we can tell you is that it must be a slow week in celebrity gossip, because even if nonsense like this were true, is TomKat even on people’s radar at this point?

Tom Cruise in 2015
Photo via Getty Images

SHOCKING! Look at that photo of federal agents compiling evidence. Eerie! Likely from an unrelated crime scene 700 miles away, but still … such powerful imagery.