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The Real Housewives of Atlanta aired a season finale last night that focused on the dream wedding of Cynthia Bailey. What exact nonsense went down? Our critic has penned an extensive review of the episode…

Cynthia finally tied the knot this week, or the noose around her neck, before 200 of her closest family and friends at Atlanta’s Fernback Museum of Natural History. Before the nuptials, there was drama to spare, of course.

Ladyboy Lawrence made his grand debut as Miss Lawrence at Aurum, a club in Atlanta.  Performing “Closet Freak” for the first time in public, Nene, Kim, Sheree, and Kandi were all in attendance and all were blown away by Miss Lawrence.  Ladyboy was en pointe!  RuPaul better look out.   

Real Housewives of Atlanta

Sheree beamed with happiness and Kandi once again noted the difference between Lawrence and Kim’s singing.  Kim’s in it for fun and Lawrence has a potential career.  In other words, one can sing and the other can’t.

Cynthia prepped for the wedding that was now two days away.  Broke and panicky, she jokingly suggested the bridesmaids get their dresses at Target.  Fernback required a minimum of $3,000 for the bar, which Cynthia didn’t have.  Maloria, her sister, advised her not to put everything on her shoulders and asked Cynthia if she was sure she wanted to marry broke ass Peter.  Cynthia figured if things didn’t turn out well she could always divorce him.  The perfect attitude to have before a wedding. 

Cynthia asked her dad for the $3,000, but he was broke, as well.  Things were not looking good.

Phaedra returned to work after being on maternity leave for eight weeks.  Melanie, her friend, would be taking care of Ayden from now on.  Phaedra actually shed tears at the prospect of being away from the little guy for the first time.  Who knew Phaedra actually had a maternal side?

Kandi and Kim got together to discuss Kim’s griping about “The Ring Don’t Mean A Thing.”  Kandi told Kim she was going on tour with Fantasia.  And not by bus this time.  Irritated that Kim was going behind her back discussing money issues, Kandi acknowledged that it was hard to work with friends and suggested to Kim that they leave all business chat to the lawyers and managers.  Kim agreed in her usual lackadaisical way.

Sheree auditioned for “If These Hips Could Talk,” an actual Hollywood movie.  Getting unmercifully critiqued by the producers and talent involved in the casting, Sheree was angry that they kept mocking her “performance” and that they just wanted the cliched angry black woman stereotype.  Based on the feedback she got, Sheree was convinced she didn’t get the part but was proud she gave the audition she wanted to give.

Nene gave 20-year-old, lazy loaf Brice a laundry list of errands to run for her.  Still living at home and still with no job in sight, Brice was lectured by Nene on being a responsible young man.  Good luck with that.

Back in wedding hell, Maloria once again asked Cynthia if she really was sure about marrying old man Pete.  Cynthia looked sadder than ever and Maloria told her marriage was going to be a struggle and it wasn’t too late to run. 

Cynthia’s stress infected Maloria, as well, and Maloria broke down in tears.  Barbara, Cynthia’s mom, got on the “don’t marry broke ass Peter” bandwagon, too. She advised Cynthia to stand up to Peter and not make excuses for him. Be the strong black woman Mama raised you to be, girl!

Gregg crawled up from his basement apartment to talk to Nene. They had barely spoken to each other since their last screaming match.  Acknowledging that he’d acted like an ass, Nene didn’t buy Gregg’s lame apology.  She didn’t want to reconcile because she didn’t feel Gregg’s behavior had changed.  Nene knew her worth and apparently Gregg was just not worth her time.

The day of the wedding finally arrived and chaos reigned.  There were no wedding bands, the dress was still being fitted and the marriage certificate was missing.  Mom and sis plotted against Cynthia in a last minute attempt to stop the wedding by hiding the certificate.  Shady… but after all of Cynthia’s histrionics, who could blame them?

Kim got her boobs redone and Kroy Biermann stopped by to pick her up for the wedding.  This would be the first time she’d be showing off her new beau in public.  No longer wearing Big Poppa’s ring, Kim was ready to declare her love for her future baby-daddy to the world.

One by one, the guests arrived.  Sheree and Derek J.  Dwight (remember him?).  Kandi and her mom. Nene and her friend Diana aka The Hulk. Phaedra and Apollo and a big blue box.  Classy Kim brought her own wine, along with her new boobs and her new man.  Maloria was still in hysterics and everyone was sure Cynthia wouldn’t show.

Phaedra was amazed that Cynthia was able to pull off a “million dollar wedding with 50 cents” and Sheree wasn’t too impressed with the “couple of chairs and a dinosaur” motif. Oh, ladies, always with the jokes.

It was touch and go there for a moment, but finally Cynthia appeared in her one-of-a-kind platinum-silver creation designed by Rubin Singer.  The runaway bride finally made it to the altar!  Looking down on red-eyed, old man Peter from the top of the stairs, Cynthia finally knew she had made the right choice.  Vows were exchanged and it was over as soon as it had begun.  Kim bet they wouldn’t be together in a year.  Meow.  Dwight extended an orchid branch to Nene and all was well with the world.

And what did the future hold for the rest of our Atlanta peaches?  Nene headed for LA while Gregg remained in the basement.  Kandi hoped to meet a man and went on tour, but not by bus.  Phaedra felt complete, litigating and changing diapers.  Sheree got her part in the movie and was dating, but checking credentials first.  And Kim got engaged to Kroy with her baby due in June.

And they all lived happily ever after?