The Real Housewives of New Jersey Review: Teresa Gives Birth!

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Teresa Giudice gave birth to daughter Audriana in September. But this ratings-grabbing magical event wasn't show on Bravo until last night's new edition of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

We've reviewed the episode in-depth, so sit back, get comfortable and try not to vomit over the anticis of these ridiculous, spoiled women...

NJ Housewives

The focal point of this week's episode was Teresa’s delivery of her fourth daughter.  This new baby joins her gaggle of girls who are destined to become complete bitches.  They run around their McMansion wearing hot pink tutus and dancing provocatively to inappropriate music.  Teresa delights in getting them to fling their arms in the air and scream, “Fabulous!” multiple times per day. 

The eldest daughter, Gia, is a model/pageant contestant who likes to act like she’s on a catwalk no matter where she goes.  It’s both disturbing and fascinating to watch this eight-year-old bump and grind and shake her booty wearing Daisy Dukes and a cropped top during a dance recital while Teresa cheers from the audience.

This Teresa is an interesting woman.  First of all, she seems to have the lowest hairline of any post-Neanderthal.  Her hair grows out of her forehead almost all the way down to her eyebrows.  It’s somewhat disturbing, yet she seems to pull of this unusual look. 

Teresa gained fame last season for referring to the despised Danielle Staub as a “prostitution whore” just before flipping a table at a restaurant.  This came just before she made out with her husband next to the overturned table and shattered glasses.  Something about a trashed restaurant made them just so damn hot for each other!

When Teresa realizes she’s in labor, she quickly rushes around her house to pack the necessities.  She’s ready to pop, but is still wearing a strapless top and full costume jewelry.  If it were me, I would be wearing a muumuu and slippers and cramming ice cream down my throat chased with full-fat chocolate milk. 

Teresa knows how to prioritize as she packs.  She says, “At the last minute I was packing my makeup case and jewelry.  You know, last minute things if you’re going to go to the hospital.”  Of course!  I always make sure to bring all my makeup with me to the hospital.  That and my stilettos and floor-length ball gowns.  She also tells a friend on the phone about her progressing labor, “You know I have the runs so that’s a sign." 

Way to know your body’s signs, sister.

Teresa has a meathead husband who doesn’t seem to speak English very well.  He mostly grunts and snickers while screwing around with his cell phone and ignoring his wife and daughters. 

Joe particularly loves the casual elegance of knee-length jorts (jean shorts) and Ed Hardy tees but is often seen shirtless in all his meaty, fake-tanned glory.  Teresa thinks he’s the hottest guy around.

While in the hospital, Teresa reapplies her makeup before explaining that she tried to make her “chucky” look pretty because so many people were going to be staring at it today.  Her labor progresses and Teresa emits screams that sound like a mule getting hit by a semi.  They are something along the lines of, “Aaaaahhhheeeerrrreaaaaeee!” at a volume where if I were the doctor in charge I would be donning some mosh pit headphones. 

Her biggest concern during this labor is, of course, the state of her makeup.  “Is my makeup messed up?  How do I look?”  She begs Joe for answers - but this would be too far out of the realm of his English abilities, so he just tells her he'll buy her ice cream when it’s over.

When she finally pops the kid out, Teresa shrieks to Joe, “What are we naming her?”  He says, “I don’t care.”  What a loving husband! 

Somehow the name Audriana is decided upon and one of Teresa’s first questions is, “Can I put like fufu things on her?”  It’s not even one day later when baby Audriana is forced into wearing a florescent pink hat with a flower on it bigger than the baby’s actual head (below). 

Teresa says to Audriana, “We need to get you a bling-bling pacifier.”  Clearly this is a mommy with her priorities straight.

While recovering from labor, Teresa is wearing her leopard print pajamas with hot pink trim, big hoop earrings, and full makeup.  To be honest, she really does look great. 

People who I know that have had babies are splayed out on their rumpled beds looking like they just survived the worst kind of hell imaginable with their legs akimbo, skin ashen, hair greasy, varicose veins bulging, ice packs abounding, vacant looks in their eyes, and unattractive frowning babies abandoned in plastic boxes off to the side.  Not our Teresa! 

New Godmother Dina puts it perfectly when she says of Teresa, “She certainly didn’t look like she just pushed out a watermelon out of her chuckarella.”  (Side note:  I have to give these women props for thinking of such creative names for va-jay-jays.  They really are talented at this.)

Another development in this episode was Caroline’s son Christopher’s beginning efforts toward his biggest dream:  owning a carwash/strip club.   Seriously.  I don’t get it.  Don’t people want to get in and out of carwashes quickly?  Where exactly would the strippers do their thing? 

Also, don’t people tend to bring their children to carwashes with them?  So many points to ponder... but I digress. 

Caroline and her husband are interested in helping their little boy achieve his dream (“I just don’t want it to be trashy,” says Caroline) so they set him up with both a strip club manager and a carwash owner so Christopher can “intern” at these places.  Christopher is right at home among the gyrating, spread-eagled women and knows this is definitely for him.  It’s so heartwarming to see a young man find his calling, isn’t it?

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