The Bachelor Babe Has Words For the Ladies

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Because our standard weekly recaps are clearly not enough to quench your thirst for The Bachelor gossip, commentary and insight, The Hollywood Gossip's own Bachelor Babe will be sharing her thoughts on each episode with us as well.

This week, she simply offers a few (hundred, at times) words for each of the aspiring Mrs. Jason Mesnicks, and for the hunky Bachelor himself ...

Malaney-Mesnick Wedding

Nikki – Sorry you got kicked off I guess. In the future you should know that you’re never going to get a guy by being so weepy, your boyfriend of 11 years should have told you that. Try laughing instead, but don’t turn into one of those super giggly girls. No one will like you then either. 

Molly – You are so cute and adorable. I wish we could be best friends and get fast food together. We’re like a shake and fries, girl. And btw, it’s not the Walk of Shame, it’s the Walk of FAME! You looked great in those red shorts.

Lauren – Quick word of advice: dominating a guy and threatening to be “pissed” if you don’t get the rose doesn’t seem to be the best plan. Maybe try singing again. If nothing else, the “real” song you wrote sounded like something The Bachelor could pick up as a theme song… Before you leave force yourself on a network exec and have them pick it up. (Okay, I didn’t come up with that - my friend Nicole did, but I think she’s right. They did it for Daughtry on American Idol…)

Crazy, insane Lauren from New Jersey gets pissed at Jason Mesnick during a faux General Hospital scene. Later, she would act similarly in real life.

Melissa – It was nice that Jason pulled you aside on the group date. And your kiss when you were talking seemed sincere and sweet. I think Jason really likes you. And I like you too. Melissa Mesnick does sound good, although Molly Mesnick has a nice ring too.

Megan – OMG! (Really Megan, you shouldn’t be saying that if you’re over the age of 12). Judging from your General Hospital performance, I wouldn’t be surprised if you have a few kissing movies in your past, if you know what I’m saying… we’ll look for those in the near future as a desperate attempt to get on TV again.

Stephanie – First off, your song was kind of sexy till the high notes. And you always seem so honest and sweet on the show. I love your daughter, and have a lot of respect for the way you have dealt with losing your husband. Kind of bummed Jason didn’t dance with you first, but you were way more graceful and elegant than Nikki, so that made up for it. Helps that you’ve been a ballet teacher before I guess. SO GLAD you got that rose, I was on the edge of my seat. Especially when it was clear the first thing you did was look at Nikki and think of her feelings. You’re fantastic.

Shannon - YOU STALKER! It’s totally weird to stay up all night waiting for a guy you like to come home with another girl, how can you not know that?!!?? Remember Gloria from the movie Wedding Crashers? The redhead that stalks Vince Vaughn and is married to Borat in real life? You kind of remind me of her. “Jason, you can’t let me go. Don’t let me go….  Or I’ll come and fiiiind youuuuuuuuuuuu.” Desperate. Also, put down the scalpel next time you stare in to the camera and say “I have a crush on Jason.” We know, honey, and we think it’s creepy. Take the extra free time you have now and go get some help.

Jillian – Technically you got the proposal – you should have taken that blonde wig and fur coat and ran with it when you had the chance! Your quote of the night: “I don’t get cold, or hot, or anything.” What are you a robot? When a guy is about to offer you his coat or give you an opportunity to snuggle, you take it!

Naomi – You got the rose on the group date?!?!?! Didn’t see that one coming. I don’t agree with the other girls that you got it because of pity and crying because those hypocrites all did that, but it still doesn’t make a lot of sense. I think it’s possible the producers told Jason to pick you. I just can’t figure it out otherwise.

And finally, Jason – You know the real first and last names of the General Hospital cast? That makes me a little worried that you’re watching Gossip Girl right now instead of your own show.... It’s a problem we all face on Monday nights.

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The Bachelor Quotes

There’s still a lot of growing to do in our relationship. We will not tie the knot until I am mentally and physically prepared as well as Matt.

Shayne Lamas

It was a fairytale proposal like I’ve always dreamed about. I forgot that there [were] cameras around. In that moment, it was just Matt and I and it was the most amazing moment of my entire life.

Shayne Lamas [on proposal by Matt Grant]