Before recapping last night's episode of The Hills - or whatever you call the 10 minutes of show surrounded by 20 minutes of ads - a quick note:
You suck, MTV.
We realize ads pay for the entertainment, and that you want to milk every cent out of your one hit show. But eight straight minutes? Jackasses.
Before 12 Taco Bell ads destroyed our love for it, the fourth season of The Hills started off great. It began at work with Whitney and Lauren.
Lauren is clearly preoccupied about her hot date with Doug Reinhardt later that night. She tells Whitney Port all about it. Giggling ensues.
LC's somewhat-estranged roommate, Audrina Patridge, reveals her weekend plans to amusingly-named Chiara, her co-worker at Epic Records.
Turns out Lauren Conrad is throwing her a birthday bash at the house. Should be a lot of fun, right? Well, Chiara is worried - and not at all prompted by the producers to say so - that tension between Audrina and Lo will ruin it.
Meanwhile, on The Hills 2.0, a.k.a. SpeidiLand, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are living together again, but little does he know she has told Holly Montag, her sister from Colorado, that she can stay with them for a bit.
When he finds out, Spencer Pratt immediately wants rid of Holly and acts like a total d!ck, rejecting the nice breakfast she made and everything.
He sleeps until noon, then promptly goes back to bed. Apparently man has quite a flexible schedule. No discernible employment will allow that.
Before Holly Montag heads home to Colorado, she tells Heidi she is thinking about moving to L.A. full-time. Spencer is far from pleased.
Lauren Conrad and Doug Reinhardt apparently went out for a bit in high school - they went to different schools but she went to his prom!
After catching up for a bit, the minor league baseball player tells her she still looks gorgeous and is acting all cheesy. He asks her out again and LC tells him about the party for Audrina. Doug says he'll be there, totes.
Audrina's party arrives and there is hectic drama in The Hills.
A seriously uptight Lo - the queen of passive-aggressive behavior - takes a cheap shot at the types of people Audrina invited. Sure, they're a little rough around the edges, but at least Audrina likes to have fun. Gosh, Lo.
Lauren Conrad then gets frustrated when Lo refuses to hang out or even try to get to know Audrina's friends. Lo (Lauren Bosworth) just gets defensive.
The day after the pool party, Lauren has nothing but good things to say about Doug Reinhardt when she recounts the day to Whitney, but LC remains very worried about Audrina and Lo and the tension that will not go away.
Back at home, Audrina and Lo finally have it out, blaming each other for the growing distance between them. That's when Audrina drops the bomb that gave this episode its title, telling Lo that "we'll never be friends." Snap.