The Hollywood Gossip TV Watch: Dancing with the Gossip Girl, Hills, Bachelor and WWE Stars

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As warm weather begins to coat the east coast in sunshine, so does the television dial begin to heat the hearts of viewers with new and exciting programming.

Because we aim to deliver more than just mundane celebrity gossip, here's our look at what couch potatoes can sit back and enjoy this evening:

Gossip Girl: It's back!!! Without the backstabbing actions of Blair, the shady shenanigans of Chuck and the uber-hotness of Serena, our lives have felt emptier over the past few months than K-Fed's bank account after a late-night trip to Scores in Las Vegas; or Heidi Montag's soul; or a Fiji water bottle on a sweltering afternoon in LA.

Tremendous metaphors aside, the point remains: Gossip Girl is back tonight with new episodes. We're giddier than Kim Kardashian at a sale for extra large thongs.

Dancing with the Stars: Despite the fact that Kristi Yamguchi is a heavier favorite on this show than either David Cook or David Archuleta on American Idol, we still tune in every night. Our dream is for a staffer from The Hollywood Gossip to be included on Dancing with the Stars one day.

We'd rumba circles around Perez Hilton. 

The Bachelor: How will Shayne Lamas embarrass herself this week? How many swoons and tears will Matt Grant be responsible for over a period of one hour? So many questions. So many desperate, pathetic women.

WWE RAW: A special three-hour presentation of the WWE's flagship show promises a showdown in the ring between Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton. If it's anything like last week's debate on ABC, John McCain will be declared the winner.

The Hills: This show revolves around spoiled, beautiful socialites named Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag and Audrina Patridge. Tonight - as a bonus - Justin "Bobby" Brescia reportedly makes his return! What's not to love about him (everything)?

The Hills couples: Heidi and Spencer; Audrina and Justin-Bobby. 

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The Hills Quotes

Brody's girlfriend is pretty. With very large breasts.

Lauren Bosworth [on Cora Skinner]

Someone with a great sense of humor is the most important thing, and someone who really supports me in everything I do... I don’t ever want to make an excuse for trying to work hard and having my own life. I love a guy that supports that and loves that.

Lauren Conrad [on men]