David Hans Schmidt, the celebrity sex tape broker who's featured in this month's issue of Details, has profited immensely from the videos he's released â€" as well as the footage he hasn't.
Lying on his couch one afternoon in late February, Schmidt puts Oprah on mute, grabs his ringing phone, and raises an eyebrow.
"Where's 732?" He flips it to speaker. "Hans Schmidt."
"Er, hi. I had a look at your website," says a male voice. "I've got footage of Cassandra Peterson copulating in the '70s. She was Elvira, Mistress of the Dark? She's in negotiation to do a reality show ... "
This is how it is for David Hans Schmidt these days.
If there's a celebrity sex tape out there, it has a way of finding him. Porn on a plate. Such are the rewards of being America's premier peddler of celebrity porn.
At 46, Schmidt has put together an extensive rÃ©sumÃ© that includes the Gennifer Flowers Penthouse cover, Tonya Harding's wedding night video, Paris Hilton's private diaries, nude shots of Private Jessica Lynch, Amber Frey, and Jamie Foxx, sex tapes of Colin Farrell and Dustin Diamond â€" and, if the man on the phone is for real (Schmidt is still determining the tape's authenticity), Elvira.
"Tell me, is there full sex, fellatio, cunnilingus?" Schmidt asks, pacing around the room in stonewashed jeans and cowboy boots. The man claims there's 18 minutes of high-res action. In color. With a money shot.
"Excellent!" Schmidt exclaims. "Okay, first we enter into a broker's-fee agreement, which stipulates a period of time in which I can effectuate a deal for you. Then you surrender to me a DVD, which I show prospective buyers on my laptop. And then, my friend, we'll go for the high buck. Somewhere between Sunset Boulevard and Wilshire, we'll come to a deal."
They swap information, and Schmidt shuts his phone, grinning.
"What you have just witnessed is a moment of history," he exclaims, stroking his mustache. "What might be the first deal for David Hans Schmidt since he almost got f**king killed!"
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