Note to Spencer Pratt: If we ever see you at Hyde, we might just have to beat the living crap out of you. Which shouldn't be that hard. So consider yourself warned.
This is not because The Hollywood Gossip is out to get people or enjoys violent conflict. It's simply because Spencer Pratt fills us with blinding, unrelenting rage. Basically, watching him on The Hills makes us want to channel our inner Jason Wahler and go postal.
It was probably during last night's clothing-store scene â€" when Spencer was asking Heidi Montag to move in with him while constantly pawing at her â€" that we realized how bad this guy needs a boot to the f*%king skull.
Of course, as Entertainment Weekly wryly notes, the way he so selflessly dedicates himself to being creepily manipulative for our viewing pleasure is nothing short of miraculous.
Taking a break from Spencer for a second, the gang starts off the episode gearing up for the best New Year's Eve ever. We're also informed that the lovely Whitney Port, LC's fellow intern, is also a decent softball player.
Seriously, she can really drive the ball!
In addition to planning a hot NYE at the nightclub Area, everyone was also acting determined to make amends after the great Heidi-Lauren rift.
"I feel like, 2006 was a hard year on our friendship, and I want to spend New Year's with her," Heidi tells Spencer.
On the big night, he kept repeating how much he despised her friends and the fact that she "chooses them" over him. As if a girl can't have both a boyfriend as well as female friends. That'd just be too f*%ked up.
So it goes in the mind of Spencer Pratt, however. Why is Brody Jenner even friends with this tool again? At dinner, before they met up with the group at Area, Spencer told Heidi:
"I don't even want to go to the club. I just want to take you home right now. But you have another boyfriend named Lauren Conrad."
Blinding, unfocused and unrelenting rage.
Things were much cheerier on Lauren's side, thankfully, where her big plan for self-improvement in 2007 was to take kickboxing with Audrina Patridge.
Hey, every girl's gotta have a New Year's resolution. Lauren's pal from Laguna Beach, Lo, also paid a nice visit. Moreover, Lauren met a pal of a pal of Audrina's (vacationing from Colorado) who she could smooch on New Year's, too!
We've loving Lauren's newfound interest in regular guys, by the way. Maybe it's just that Heidi dates Spencer. But it shows LC's not as superficial as may of her peers.
Heidi, meanwhile, seemed intent on her underlying goal to destroy her friendship with Lauren (or what's left of it) by blabbing to Lo about Spencer suggesting they move in together - without mentioning it to her roomie. WTF!
Then, taking a page str8 outta Spencer's playbook, she got all pensive and pouty at midnight when no one, like, was paying attention to her. Absolutely classic Heidi.
Days later, Spencer was still at it.
"I've been thinking a lot," he told Heidi. "I think it's really rude that you've chosen Lauren over me."
And our blood pressure keeps on rising.
NEXT WEEK: The return of Brody Jenner (amazing how he keeps turning up) as well as that girl Jen. Plus, Lauren Conrad's big 21st birthday!