The Canyons Reviews: Random Lindsay Lohan Project Worse Than We Thought?

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Ever since we first heard of The Canyons, we all knew this would be a special film. And by special, I mean awful.

Lindsay Lohan, James Deen

Lindsay Lohan's return to the big screen with this Kickstarter project hasn't been met with applause and accolades as perhaps Lohan had hoped. In fact, out of every review of The Canyons there was only one that might be seen as positive, from Scott Foundas of Variety.

"Lohan may not go as deep or as far as Brando, but with her puffy skin, gaudy hoop earrings and thick eye makeup, there's a little-girl-lost quality to the onetime Disney teen princess that's very affecting. Whenever she's onscreen, she projects a sense of just barely holding on to that precarious slide area in the shadow of the Hollywood sign."

Lohan, of course, responded to this review via Twitter saying, "Wow... feeling humbled and so much gratitude."

Is gratitude really the emotion one would be feeling in this position? I get the impression that Foundas was perhaps describing Lindsay Lohan the person as opposed to whatever character Linday Lohan happened to be portraying. "Puffy skin" is not often a compliment. 

Positive or not, Variety's review of The Canyons was the only one that could even be slightly interpreted as such. There were plenty more out there saying pretty much the exact opposite, makes one wonder if Foundas saw the same movie. 

A lame, one-dimensional and ultimately dreary look at peripheral Hollywood types not worth anyone's time either onscreen or in real life. -- Todd McCarthy, The Hollywood Reporter

Lohan (who hasn't carried a hit since 2005's Herbie: Fully Loaded) is more than believable, but neither the script nor her performance quite explains the fatal attraction that Tara seems to exert. In his first non-porn role, Deen is excellent as the icy Christian. -- John Hazelton, Screendaily

Lohan is a real actress, but in this movie she's puffy and overwrought and unfocussed, and she weeps a lot. At times, needy and confused, she's touching, but you're not sure whether she's crying in character, or lamenting her participation in a low-budget movie, or grieving over her own troubles. Whatever it is, she offers the only palpable emotion in the controlled wastes of The Canyons. The Canyons might have been more fun if it had a trashier, or less austere, style. -- David Denby, New Yorker

Here, Lohan is as bland and unfocused as the material. During the once scene that allows her [to] degrade her oppressive boyfriend, her robotic delivery freezes the possibilities of bona fide tension (as well as titillation, for whatever that's worth). -- Eric Kohn, Indiewire

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What a trashy cunt, hope we find her dead in a gutter sooner rather than later

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Linday deserves an Oscar

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This is just another jealous writer who thinks s/he can have full accuracy of writing a "review." Just see the movie for yourself, cunt

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this review is shit and you're shit.
*HAIL QUEEN LINDSAY*

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