Kourtney & Kim Take Miami Season Premiere: Broken Dreams, Plates

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Kourtney Kardashian and Kim Kardashian returned to take over Miami on E! last night, as the sisters took their scripted act to The Sunshine State.

And then they gave it to Kris Humphries.

From the best one-liners to the most clearly contrived storylines, we run down the opener of Kourtney & Kim Take Miami in our patented +/- system below...

Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian Promo Pic

Khloe is in the house because her house is being renovated. Of course it is. PLUS 7 for this totally creative way to work the most fun sister into the series.

And PLUS 7 more for Khloe immediately focusing her wrath on Humphries, referring to his marriage with Kim as a "waste" of her sister's "time." MINUS 19, however, for not including the entire world along with Kim in that.

"It's a really expensive dream that won't leave me alone," Kim says of the relationship. "The judge says we will be divorced in 2013."

Kourtney, meanwhile, is peeved at Kim for inviting Scott Disick to Miami behind her back.

PLUS 12 because this means we get to see Scott Disick being a douchebag in Miami! MINUS 39 because Kourtney wasn't planning on having her kids' father around for three months?!?

Okay, MINUS 38 instead because clearly she was (nice dramatic touch, writers!)

The girls find their new DASH is a disasters: clothing is everyone, the racks are a mess, there's a fire hazard in the back.

Kourtney threatens to fire the staff before someone reminds her these sisters don't actually have anything to do with the store deciding to simply help the employees clean up. PLUS 3.

Khloe decides the three sisters should break some plates to let off stress. MINUS 9 for not shooting them like in Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.

Kim is initially against it, but then realizes: What the heck else are we gonna do on a show about a family that doesn't work and has no personality?

Scott refers to himself as "Lord Disick." PLUS 24.

Says Khloe of Humphries: "If you wanted to marry someone for press, wouldn't you have married someone who was actually popular?"

Ouch. MINUS 49 to Kourtney for what was apparently an UNoriginal line on The Late Show last week.

"I cannot wait for you to have a baby and see what it's like," Kourtney says to Kim, earning PLUS 8 for already setting up next season's storyline. Damn. These gals are good.

TOTAL: -72.

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Kourtney & Kim Take Miami Season Premiere: Broken Dreams, Plates
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I couldn’t believe that Kourtney decided to not have Scott around, but was relieved when he showed up. I also thought it was clever of the show when Kourtney and Kim discussed what motherhood was like. This episode gave me and my DISH coworker a lot to talk about so I’m glad I watched. I wasn’t home when it aired so I recorded it on my DISH Hopper. This way, my roommates and I were able to record up to six shows at once during primetime. Using this DVR no one has to worry about arguing over what to watch.

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whomp whomp those kardocheians sux the life out of almost anything...