Kris Humphries

Kris Humphries is many things: an attention-starved loser, an immature moron with taste in terrible women, a surprisingly strong NBA rebounder.

But funny? Kris Humphries has never been considered funny... until now! Sort of!

Humphries is featured in a new Funny or Die skit and while he isn't especially humorous, the video itself is hilarious.

It depicts a meeting between Kris and two agents who want to propel his career forward by playing up the hatred everyone in the free world has for this former reality star. Yes, that includes a dying kid with three hours to live, whose final wish is to curse Kris off.

There's also a nice little shot taken at Kim Kardashian's new man, as Humphries' new associated outfit him with goofy glasses, only to them take them off and say:

"We don't want you to look like an asshole... we just want you to look like a douchebag."

Watch below and be warned: the skit gives away a key plot point from The Lion King.

Note to Kim Kardashian: you can keep the bondage boots. But please give me my crazy expensive ring back.

That's the gist of Kris Humphries' demands, a source says, as these two ballers (him in the NBA, her in... you get it) continue to battle it out in divorce court.

"Kris wants the [engagement] ring back because the marriage only lasted 72 days and he believes it was based on fraud and deceit," an insider tells Radar Online. "Remember, Kim filed for divorce. Kris paid for that ring, and he just can't fathom why Kim would want to keep it."

That would be a reasonable point... if E! clearly did not pay for the ring.

Last week, Kardashian's attorney was in court, trying to end the legal maneuvering by both parties. She claims the divorce is still not finalized because Humphries is dragging it out on purpose in a desperate attention to garner headlines.

If true, hmmmm, we wonder from where he would have learned such a thing.

Lost amidst the hoopla of Kim Kardashian dating Kanye West? She's still married to Kris Humphries!

How can this be, considering the couple signed a pre-nup that divided their assets? And considering they have now been apart far longer than the 72 days for which they were wed?

Simple, Kim's lawyer argued in court today: Humphries is dragging out the precedure because he wants to keep his name in the news.

According to TMZ, Laura Wasser stood in front of a judge today and decreed the action of her client's ex. She said Kardashian will be asking Kris to foot her legal fees if a divorce trial actually commences.

And it looks like we really might be headed down that path: the judge ruled that depositions will be permitted, meaning Kim might truly sit in front of opposing counsel, under oath, and be asked about her motivations for marrying Humphries.

Amazing.

Kris Humphries still doesn't care about Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.

An insider confirms to Radar Online that the power forward is unconcerned about the new relationship from a personal standpoint. But from a monetary one? As someone looking to milk as much as possible out of his ex-wife?

Humphries believes he can use the fact that Kim and Kanye filmed their recent night out in NYC as evidence that Kardashian only dates - or, in his case, marries - for the sake of publicity.

"The crux of Kris' case for annulment is that Kim married him under fraudulent pretenses and did it for her reality show," a Team Humphries source says, adding that his lawyers wonder:

"When did Kim develop romantic feelings for Kanye and why after publicly stating she wouldn't feature any future romantic relationships on her reality shows, did she do a complete 360?"

The mole adds that Kris and Kim haven't talked in months. Which makes perfect sense. Why would they? No cameras have been around.

Kris Humphries is so over Kim Kardashian.

According to sources close to the NBA star, that is. The New Jersey Nets forward is said to be "completely indifferent" to the news Kim is dating Kanye West.

Simply put, Kris is focused on the divorce being finalized and not concerned with Kim's new relationship(s). They split up for a reason, after all.

With each passing day, Kris is more sure than ever that Kim "doesn't represent the things he believes in" and wants to wash his hands of her.

As for Kanye West's "Theraflu" assertion that he could've had Nets co-owner Jay-Z kick Humphries off the team, Kris' friends note - correctly - that Jay does not even make personnel decisions, and regardless, the mogul is a fan of Kris.

Meanwhile, a report in Star (we know, we know), says Kris doubt's Kim's faithfulness to him during their incredibly long marriage ... yadda yadda yadda.

“Kris knows that while he was with Kim, he was completely faithful and has serious doubts that she could say the same,” a fake Humphries insider said.

Kris Humphries isn't simply asking Kim Kardashian to show him the money.

According to a new tabloid report, he'll also be asking his ex-wife to show him the emails, texts and phone records. Legal system style!

"He's ready to subpoena friends and family as well as producers of her reality shows," a Humphries insider tells Life & Style. "Once a subpoena is granted, it opens the floodgates for all types of evidence: emails, text messages, phone calls and more."

And, according to this insider, those exchanges will "prove a lot of things, like series setups, staged events and scripts." If asked about them under oath inside a courtroom, Kim would be legally obligated to tell the truth.

The same goes for any evidence that Kim cheated on Kris, though none actually exists in the above issue.

As these two battle back and forth, we must ask: Which side are you on in the divorce war?

While anonymous quotes and ridiculous tabloid headlines make it difficult to take any feud between Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries seriously, there truly is a legal battle being waged here.

The latest salvo: Lawyers for the Nets power forward have filed documents in court that ask a judge to force Kim's hand; or her bank account, as the case may be.

Humphries contends that Kardashian is obligated to disclose all assets and liabilities accumulated during the couple's 72-day marriage. Translation: if decreed by the court, Kim will be required to open up her financial records, making it clear just how much the pair banked from its union.

Most of this legal conjecture stems from Kim donating twice the value of her and Kris' wedding gifts to charity earlier this month. Says a lawyer for Humphries:

"A spouse may not make a gift of community personal property, or dispose of community personal property for less than fair and reasonable value, without the written consent of the other spouse." 

According to Kris Humprhies, Kim Kardashian never really loved him and only entered in to a 72-day marriage for the sake of publicity and money.

Still, Kris is totally out to get back at Kim, according to the latest issue of OK! Weekly... by getting back together with his ex. That will show her!

Anonymous sources tell the tabloid that Humphries never really got over Bianka Kamber, a Toronto native he dated for two years before meeting Kardashian.

"Bianka was his first love," explains an insider to OK!. "She's a very down-to-earth, sweet girl. He admits he wants to win her back."

First, though, Humphries must legally become a single man, a step he's reportedly hesitant to make because he's holding out for a big payday. Will he get it? Will Kamber take him back? Who will Kim date next? We can totally wait to find out!

Only Kris Humphries - and PETA - can paint Kim Kardashian in a positive light...

According to an E! News insider, a divorce settlement is yet to be signed between this briefly-married pair because the bruising NBA power forward is hoping to holdout for a payday beyond the offer on the table.

"Kris is dragging it out," claims this Kardashian source. "Kim is ready to move on, but Kris is hoping that stretching it out will get him even more money."

As has been previously reported, this mole says Humphries wants to bank $7 million from the split… or $1 million less than his one-year contract with the New Jersey Nets. In exchange, reports have said he'll keep silent about supposedly damaging facts related to the failed union.

But "Kim never considered signing something like that," this insider says. "Kris can't take the time to consider [her] offer, but he finds time to do an interview with a tabloid magazine."

Ohhh, zing! It's important to keep this source in mind, too, of course. It's E! Online. Which pretty much views Kim Kardashian and her family as its personal ATM.

Seriously, Kris, Kim and those at E! who promote these people make the Nets look like winners.

Like his play on the court, Kris Humphries is getting aggressive in his legal battle against Kim Kardashian, as a lawyer for this NBA power forward has released a statement regarding his client's stance in the ex-couple's impending divorce case.

To Life & Style.

"Much effort and energy to misdirect the public's perception of what transpired between Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries has taken place over the past several months. This case will not be resolved in the court of public opinion amidst ridiculous and defamatory allegations and personal attacks directed against Kris Humphries. Rather, this case will be appropriately investigated and litigated professionally and with integrity," said this attorney... to Life & Style.

Humphries' legal team is comprised of Lee A. Hutton III of Lommen Abdo and Marshall Waller and Sandra Salinas of Feinberg & Waller. One of them has shot down the notion that Kris asked for $7 million in exchange for his silence, while another tells the tabloid:

"One thing is certain: Kris Humphries intends to set the record straight."