Jersey Shore Recap: Where's the F*%king Beach?!?

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A special Monday episode of Jersey Shore certainly did not disappoint if you watch the show looking for hilarious one-liners, drama and drunken debauchery.

Why else would you watch Jersey Shore, come to think of it?

This week was a rare treat for fans, as we got to see Snooki's drunken arrest from this summer play out on TV. It was as epic as reports made it out to be.

As always, THG breaks down all the best Jersey Shore quotes and scenes from last night's installment of the MTV show in its patented +/- recap below:

Absolute Worst Couple Ever

Oh. No. You. Didn't.

Sam's disdain for Snooki is surpassed by disdain for Ronnie. Man they suck. Minus 8. Watching these two argue may be worse than getting waterboarded.

Foreshadowing bigger, better things to come, Snooki chows down on a raw potato for no reason other than the amusement of housemates and fans. Plus 4.

Deena wants Situation. Snooki thinks she knows how she can make that happen ... by getting him into a threesome, then peacing out last minute. Minus 3.

Plus 16 for this gem from Mike, though: "Every guy dreams of having a threesome with two women, obviously. Maybe not with Deena and Snooki, but, um, I was going along with it only because it was a threesome."

Plus 6 more for this addendum after Snooki bailed, leaving him with just Deena: "It's like having chicken put on the table with salt and pepper, then somebody takes away the chicken and then you're left with salt and pepper."

Plus 5 more for Snooki making a bee-line for Vinny, then rejecting his rejection of her by begging for the Seabiscuit: "Stop caring and f%*k me!"

Popping a Squat

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

The image seen above is JWoww relieving herself behind a bar at a club. Minus 10, because while we've all been there, that doesn't make it less repulsive.

Sammi and Ronnie decide to part ways for a bit, and he hits the gym with Mike. Snooki hits the gym with Pauly, looking like a muppet in a trucker hat. Plus 5.

Ron: "I need a mind condom because I'm being mind-f@#ked." Not to worry Ron ... there's not a lot going on up there. You can use that unprotected. Minus 7.

Sam actually apologizes to Snooki and Deena. Plus 6. We're impressed, we have to admit, that she can swallow her pride for two of the three. Not JWoww.

Mike finishes way too many average thoughts with "Y'know what I mean?" Dude, we typically do. People can follow your train of thought, Socrates. Minus 8.

Deena: "I keep getting camel toe, I feel." Girl, if you feel you have camel toe, you most likely have camel toe. Not a lot of examination to be done. Plus 4.

Sitch: "We just got chemistry, you know? And I'm not talking about the class." No, really? We could have sworn he was. So disappointing. Minus 3.

Pauly: Seaside's so beautiful! Look at the garbage! Plus 5.

Wasted Snooki

Admiring Snooki's handiwork.

Why do they keep insisting that the gang goes to "work" at the t-shirt shop? Why pretend these aren't stars and make them look even more shallow? Minus 9.

Plus 5 for the fact that Snooki openly drinks on the "job," though.

They keep playing up this JWoww boyfriend angle. Why do we care about someone who's not even on the show? Or her ex in Seaside, for that matter? Minus 7.

Pauly: "My prediction is somebody needs to carry her (Deena) out of the club tonight." Wow, talk about a risky bet. What are the odds on that? Plus 5.

An MVP night ends with two of the three getting it in. We're a little grossed out having just written that, but Minus only 3, because at least the guys had fun.

In the end, Snooki's epic bender made the night. Every scene was a winner, building up to the climax (sorry). While the others get their hangover coffee on, Snook, still in the previous night's clothes, has yet to stop drinking. Plus 9.

It gets better. The beach caught her eye, then she briefly lost sight of it (yes, lost sight of the OCEAN), then eventually made her way onto the sand, where she face-planted, told off some cops and was dragged to jail. Awesome. Plus 30.

TOTAL: +42. SEASON TOTAL: +77.

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Whats funny is the people who are hating are still spending the time to... 1) Watch Jersey Shore and 2) Search out this website and spend time to post about Jersey Shore.... Just sayin'....

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J-Wee-Wee. J-Woops!

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What I originally meant to write....sorry about the Boo-Boo: Awww leave Snooki alone! x( So she's got a bit of a drinking problem??? She still has a heart of gold and man she is funny....some of the things she says and does cracks me up so bad that "I need to poop" lmfao. Seriously though, quit bashing her.....and she is NOT ugly in any shape, way, or form! She is absolutely darling.....u people need to quit being so judgemental lol. You can't blame the girl for wanting to have fun.....and I love how she wears slippers to the beach hahaha! Even more I love the fact that she normally sports the pink fuzzy ones :D I totally rock my slippers in public too sometimes.......holla!! Heart ya Snooks! (o:

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Continuing....
I

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Awww leave Snooki alone! x( So she's got a bit of a drinking problem??? She still has a heart of gold and man she is funny....some of the things she says and does cracks me up so bad that "I need to poop" lmfao. Seriously though, quit bashing her.....and she is NOT ugly in any shape, way, or form! She is absolutely darling.....u people need to quit being so judgemental lol. You can't blame the girl for wanting to have fun.....and I

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SOME OF U PEOPLE JUST NEED TO GETT A LIFFE AND STOP HATEING!!!!!!!!!!!!

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all you haters are probably grenades. you need the grenade whistle iphone app blown on you. haha.

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If anything, "Jersey Shore" actually makes Seaside Hgts. look MORE fun and "glamorous" than it really is. Go there yourself and take a look if you don't believe it.

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I can't believe how wholesome this show seemed compared to the shit they premiered right after it!

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You think everyone takes a whizz behind a bar??? What happened the men's porta potty plugged up. Would a threesome result in one brain?