The Bachelorette Season Premiere Recap: Rated R For Ridiculous

by at . Comments

It's that time of year again. The Bachelorette is back, and with it a very cute girl, two dozen dudes competing for air time her heart, and a lot of contrived drama.

Bachelor castoff Ali Fedotowsky is calling the shots this time, and as usual, THG will break down the action for you each week with its official plus-minus index ...

Minus 6 for this cheese ball narration: "I’ve re-prioritized my life, but I’m still that girl who’s going to throw on a pair of jeans and kick around a soccer ball." - Ali.

Plus 5 for the montage of Ali bouncing a soccer ball, though. Man, she just looks like she's so much FUN! Sporty, even! Plus 2 more for the gratuitous ab shots.

Chris Harrison's greeting intro making it sound like Ali was head over heels for Jake Pavelka, when they engineered her exit and this story from the start. Plus 7.

OMG, Ali gave up her job and apartment to star on The Bachelorette. After seeing this awkward menagerie of men, she might want to call her landlord. Minus 4.

Cock Tales

COCK TALES: These guys will say and do anything for Ali's attention.

Is it just us or does Ali look a little more "Hollywood" than last season, like she's trying a little too hard to look hot? Kind of like, say, Vienna Girardi? Minus 5.

We could spend a long time on each of the guys, but we'll focus on just a few here. Take Ty from Tennessee. He's down home Bachelorette bait to a T. Plus 3.

Best pickup line of the night goes to Craig M.: "I'm so glad you're not Vienna." Plus 3. Minus 6, though, for so many other dudes just plain choking out there.

Chris Lambton, a friendly Cape Codder, bonds with Ali over their mutual love of the Boston Red Sox. Plus 11. We get a good feeling about these two blondes.

Derek, a.k.a. Shooter’s explanation of his nickname: ”I prematurely ... you know." Holy crap, dude. Minus 5, but at least he was prematurely kicked off, too.

The first-impression rose goes to Roberto Martinez, who not only teases Ali how to salsa dance, but may be the first non-white contestant in history. Plus 20.

Rated R Picture

MORE LIKE NC-17: Give Justin Rego credit for directness, anyway.

We hate to say it after one episode, but Ali Fedotowsky is boring in this role. Maybe she'll grow into it, but Minus 10, because right now she's a female Jake Pavelka.

Minus 8 for producers resorting to the vintage Bachelorette bag of tricks already - a hopeful tells Ali that certain guys are there for the “wrong reasons.” Shocker!

Host-pimp Chris asked each guy to write down who they feel is there under false pretenses. Your winner? Justin Rego, a.k.a. Rated R! Plus 9 for utter obviousness.

Ali's take is that just because the pro wrestler fakes it in the ring doesn’t mean he’s faking it for her. The Bachelorette spoilers we've read beg to differ, Al. Minus 8.

Forget Betty White. Someone needs to start a Make The Bachelorette a One-Hour Show group on Facebook. No Points, just saying. P.S. Friend THG on Facebook!

TOTAL: +8.

Roses: Roberto and Justin (earlier); Jesse, Ty, Craig R., Tyler V., Frank, Steven, Chris L., Kirk, John C., Chris N., Chris H., Hunter, Craig M., Jonathan and Kasey.

Out: Kyle, Jay, Jason, Shooter, Derek, Tyler M., Phil, and John N.

Tags: ,